How Does Sia Know Me?

Sometimes, there just aren’t enough words to adequately describe how I feel inside. (This sentence, for one, is so trite. Sorry.) I just can’t quite convey (and I suppose, I’m not really sure I want to) the actual physical changes my body goes through when I start freaking out. Mostly, I feel sweaty. But my chest feels tight. My heart feels about to burst and I am afraid. I am so terribly afraid to cry. I am afraid that once I start, I won’t be able to stop, and that I will weep myself hollow. That I will turn inside out.

What comforts me is that at least one person understands out there. At least, whoever choreographs her videos does.

Sia’s series of videos for her last three singles have utterly destroyed me. (In a good way.) The dancing is not only just beautiful, it captures and expresses what I cannot manage to describe in words. So, without further ado, today, I bring you four of her videos.

The first time I saw Chandelier, I think I watched the video at least ten times. I know I cried.

Recently, I found Big Girls Cry and it was so hard to watch that I’ve only managed to watch it twice total. It is too painful and skims a little too beneath the surface for me.

And finally, Elastic Heart is a little less painful for me to watch, that is until you get to the end, and protracted ending in silence is unbearable. I’ve only managed to make it through that once.

As a bonus, here is the Grammy performance of Chandelier. I want to say it is almost better than the original video.

You’re welcome.

That Even My Edges Are Loved

So, the new John Legend song, All of Me, just destroys me. I haven’t yet broken down sobbing while listening to it, but mostly, I think it’s because I’m afraid that if I start, I won’t be able to stop.

My favorite part is the chorus with the lyrics (full lyrics here):

‘Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections

When I told Hapa Papa that I loved this song, he incredulously asked, “So, you’re telling me you love my farts? I’m pretty sure you do NOT.” I wanted to deck him. I guess he thinks he’s proved himself right on the impossibility of loving all of him. Well, I never said I loved the song because I loved all of him. Hmph. 

I love this song because I so desperately want it to be true for me. That all of me is loved and lovable – even my edges (and I certainly have many of those).

One of the side effects of having Daddy Issues is that for so long, I thought there was something wrong with me that made my father leave. I thought that if I just behaved a certain way, was more loving, sweet, and “Daddy’s Little Girl” that maybe just once, he would choose us. Every time he came home, I knew I was crazy to hope that he would change. Yet each time he left, I felt abandoned all over again.

The other day, I was reading the blog of someone I used to know through church and I just wanted to weep for her. She’s five years younger than I am and her entries reminded me of who I used to be – so broken and jagged, unable to believe I was loved and desperately wanting to be.

I recall the despair I used to feel constantly. That no one would and could and should love me because I was a horribly broken and shattered person. Who would want to hitch their wagon to that type of baggage? Even when I was loved, I couldn’t receive it. I didn’t believe it. I thought it was all a lie. I would do everything in my power to make myself as unlovable as possible, lashing out at the people who cared and loved me the most. Then, when I pushed people to their breaking point and they would inevitably leave, I would point to that example as proof of my unlovableness. That those people who “loved” me were made out to be liars.

I used to be somewhat dramatic.

Even now, after years of therapy and mostly healed relationships, every now and then, slivers of doubt and self-hatred slip into my thoughts. It used to happen when Hapa Papa would point out something horrible about my character and I would downward spiral into bouts of intense self-loathing combined with wanting to push Hapa Papa as far away from me as possible. But instead of wallowing in the despair as I used to, I now try to nip the unhelpful thoughts in the bud as quickly as possible.

A lot of it was me being unwilling to look at my own selfishness and sinfulness. When I finally chose to look at myself with as little self-condemnation as possible, I could see how Hapa Papa wasn’t attacking me or telling me that he didn’t love me. He was trying to love me by being honest with me in as kind of a way as possible. And truthfully, I am an incredibly selfish person (more so than most people), so the fact that Hapa Papa rarely pointed out my faults just meant that he is, as my brother said, The Most Patient Man in the World.

I can now say that I am in a mostly healthy place and can take Hapa Papa’s concerns about my character as him asking me to change because I hurt him with my selfishness vs. him asking me to change because I am irreparably broken and no one will ever love me and if they do, they are utter fools and completely deluded and once they find out what I really am, they will leave me.

I’m not even sure how the change in me happened except that I had to fake it until I made it. I have always hated that advice. It seems so insincere. But truthfully, that is what happened. I had to fake believing that I was lovable and loved and acted as if I believed that it was true until I actually believed it. At some point, I CHOSE to act AS IF what I desperately hoped to be true (that someone could actually love me), WAS true. And eventually, it was so.

This is just my really long-winded way of saying that I love this John Legend song because it reminds me of what I ultimately long for deep inside my cold, dark heart. That I am loved and lovable – edges and all. I suppose it took this many words for me to finally figure out the why and to articulate the sentiment.

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Proof Hapa Papa loves me (or did).

It is also my roundabout way of saying that this is how I feel Hapa Papa loves me. Perhaps he is not quite as romantic as John Legend, but Hapa Papa acts as if he loves all of me (even if he says he doesn’t love my horrible, selfish parts). Every now and then, I ask him if he still loves me, and he hems and haws, but I know he’s doing that just to tease me. (At least, I am choosing to think that.)

So even though Hapa Papa calls this an “idealistic, fake song,” it still makes me think of him. After all, I have his love for me caught on film. (Even if it was seven years ago – it’s still proof!)

Geez. When did this post devolve into a long mash note? Enough of that. Here’s the YouTube video of John Legend and his real wife, Chrissy Teigen. Beautiful people in a beautiful video.

My Top 3 Christmas Pop Songs

Merry Christmas, party people! Hope you and yours are having a great day full of memory making activities. (Oh, let’s face it. If you have small children, hope today is not like every other day and you have 0-1 meltdowns and time outs. And that you got to sleep in an extra ten minutes.) If you don’t celebrate Christmas, then, happy Wednesday. 😀 Enjoy your day off courtesy of the tyranny of the hybrid religious/pagan festival from pseudo-Christianity!

In light of the festivities (and also because I’m sure you want to get back to that merry-making vs. trolling the interwebs – get back to your family, you!), here are my Top 3 Christmas Pop Songs of my youth. I would come up with something more recent were I aware of any.

3) River – Joni Mitchell

Ok, so it’s sad and melancholy and depressing. The best kind of music! And perfect for the holidays if you’re feeling The Sads this time of year.

2) Last Christmas – WHAM!

Um, because this song is AWESOME. AWESOME. Hapa Papa and I randomly quote this song throughout the year. Because WE are awesome.

1) All I Want for Christmas Is You – Mariah Carey

Instant classic. This song makes me super happy always. 😀 I don’t care that it’s cheesy and overplayed. LOVE IT. I remember when I used to work in Hollywood on Hollywood Blvd right across from the Scientology building and every Christmas, they would play holiday music on full blast for two weeks and I would hear this song at least a million times a day so by the time Christmas rolled around, I had heard it at least 14 million times (true fact). It hasn’t affected my love in the slightest. Enjoy!

Alright, your turn! What are your favorite Christmas pop songs? Tell me in the comments and include the YouTube link if you can!