Have I Ruined My Life?

A few weeks ago,  Dr. T commented that she felt that lately, I was more and more high strung than I had been in a really long time. Since I started seeing her back in November 2014, in fact.

I briefly acknowledged her point, but just chocked it to having a lot of shit to do and being stressed out about that. But it’s been at least a month since she’s mentioned it and I finally admitted this week that it’s true. I’m totally more high strung. I mean, I’m already a hair-trigger type of ragey person, but even MORE SO.

Terrifying, really.

I’m back to yelling at the kids. Especially at bed time. Mostly only at bed time. (How’s that for a bedtime routine?)

I’m working on it, but it’s slow going. I even hired a Mindfulness Coach to help with anger. (How hippy woo woo is this? WHO AM I?)

But I’m a bit worried because I’ll be in Taiwan this summer, mostly alone with all three kids for 4-6 weeks with some help, but not necessarily a lot of help. And then mid-late October, Baby4 will be making their appearance. So likely, that will cause me even more stress. (Plus, hormones are a bitch.)

And yes, I’ve had to plan a lot of things lately, (of which I will not bore you with the details of, but may list out because I like lists and feel the inexplicable need to up my post word count), and a lot of these things have to remain unresolved because such is life. And if you know anything about me at all, it’s that I NEED RESOLUTION. Even if it’s a shitty result, I MUST HAVE IT.

Anyhow, I have to be honest.

This will sound awful because I truly do love Baby4 and am happy we’re going to have another child in mid-October. We tried for about a year and half before we finally got pregnant again, and I was semi-resigned to having three children instead of my dreamed for four. (Not that three kids is a bad thing. And I know some folks have tried for years and not gotten or stayed pregnant or can’t get pregnant for health reasons so I realize that my frustration with not getting immediately pregnant with the fourth child is a lot of whining and asshole behavior. But, you know what I mean.)

But, this pregnancy has been really hard on me. Not because it’s been a difficult pregnancy. I have pretty easy pregnancies in general. But it really has kicked my ass. I’m constantly exhausted. I was initially feeling shitty all the time and having lots of contractions and diarrhea which then turned into constant constipation. (TMI? TOO BAD.)

I could barely function. I stopped homeschooling. I stopped doing anything that wasn’t laying down. I’m surprised the children are still alive and none the worse for wear. I stopped writing.

And I felt resentment.

Lots of resentment.

After all, this was supposed to be my year, right? My year of kicking ass and taking names! Risking! Submitting my work for publications! Writing! Putting my name out there! Taking myself seriously as a writer and pursuing those avenues. Living the dream (or at least shooting for it).

And then, BAM! I got pregnant. And everything stopped. I got wiped out.

Sure, there were some things I got rolling before I got pregnant and those panned out so that made me happy and it was very exciting. But after that? NADA.

And I was initially in huge denial over the fact that my life was changing (yet again – and shit, I ASKED FOR IT!) and when I finally surrendered to it, I fell off the face of the earth. I thought by the time my second trimester hit, I would have more energy, but I’m STILL tired (granted, less so than before).

Also, I got used to lying around on the couch and watching marathon sessions of DVR’d White Collar and Leverage episodes. (Man, I love a good con!)

And then, when I tried to get back into writing, my brain broke. Like, because I hadn’t tried to put two semi-coherent thoughts together in several months, everything I wrote sounded trite and stupid and I think Gamera can come up with better arguments. So then, I gave up and decided, shoot. I will just ENJOY watching TV all day while my children run around naked and beat the shit out of each other in my house. (I really, really wish I were exaggerating for comedic effect, but alas, No.)

But now, now I am finally realizing I am terrified I have ruined my life. I go through this in a much milder form each pregnancy – mostly because I’m a control freak and worry about how to do things and life with one, then two, then three, and now FOUR babies. It took me awhile just to get comfortable with three! And we just potty trained Glow Worm so we have no kids in diapers and WHAT AM I DOING?!

WHAT HAVE WE DONE?!

I know it will work out.

I know because after every baby and a few months of craziness, we find a new rhythm and way of being. And I know that even if we didn’t have another baby, things would still change and we’d find new rhythms out of different insanity making moments.

I know all these things. Somehow, I just have to convince my subconscious that we are not all going down in flames come mid-late October.

Wish me luck! And lots of help from family and friends!

4 thoughts on “Have I Ruined My Life?

  1. Favorite post ever! I immediately related just with the title! I SO know how you feel and am laughing and crying with you. 😘 You are an awesome writer and mama!

  2. Oh my! My husband doesn’t want me to have a 4th just because all what you are describing in your post. Oh well! As you say, it will pass and you will remember as a bad time but the resentment will be gone once you have the little one with you!! They are so adorable!!! I have three ages 5,3,1 and I’m stressed as well 🙁 even got a tick on my eye when they all cry at the same time! I even deleted my FB because I don’t have time!!!! And I do puppets to talk to them, dance like crazy to cheer them up, I cook their favorite healthy meals, read every day, run/ play with them, do bubbles outdoors.. And still…. They get mad at me and call me a bad mom!!! 🙁 but I enjoyed those mini moments when we all take naps together, and when they are nice to me hahah it happens once in a while 😉 This tough time you are having will pass and you will enjoy your 4 dreamed children… ^_^ big hug!

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