Now That I’ve Lost My Mind

So, I have been MIA these past two weeks because I am utterly exhausted. I have been going to bed with the kids and waking up with the kids. And since I usually write when they are sleeping, I haven’t been writing.

During the day, I am also tired. And though I used to go out on weekends to write (especially in the evenings), I haven’t been going out because I am sleeping.

The reason for all this exhaustion? Turns out I am forming another human being in my uterus and am 8 weeks pregnant.

We have lost our damn minds.

I am reluctant to post about this pregnancy so early, but then I figured if I did lose the baby, I would definitely talk about it so there really is no reason not to talk about it. Especially since I have not been shy about telling my friends in real life.

I am not cut out for a life of secrecy, people. For real.

Truthfully, I have been somewhat in denial. Not of being pregnant. Moreso denial of my body’s changing needs while being pregnant.

I have been feeling utterly betrayed by my body.

How can I possibly be this tired? I have only been awake two hours.

I need to nap constantly.

I am always feeling slightly nauseous or slightly hungry. I couldn’t really figure it out. I have finally settled on slightly hungry.

I already don’t fit into my pants. Nor do I fit in the after pregnancy pants (you know, the ones that are several bigger sizes but aren’t maternity pants anymore). I have to wear maternity pants because even though I’m only 2 months in, since it’s my 4th pregnancy, I’m thicker already.

I can’t wear the bras I used to be able to wear while 9 months pregnant because I can’t breathe in them. If I use the bra extenders, my breasts fall out from under the bras. I’m back to nursing bras even though I finally weaned Glow Worm.

I am incredibly irritable. Like, hair trigger kaboom. I mean, not that general idiocy by humans on the internet (and Earth) have ever been my favorite (or rare), but lately, my threshold for tolerating asshattery is at a minimum. One needs only to scroll through my Facebook feed to see the evidence.

I already have carpal tunnel syndrome.

My stomach feels okay at the beginning of the day, but by the end, I can barely breathe because I feel as if my skin is not big enough to hold my stomach. It hurts.

I have been having cramps and contractions a lot earlier but no sharp pains so that’s good. (This happened with my third pregnancy, too.)

I already have round ligament pain. WTF.

All I want to do in my spare time is sleep, watch TV, or read.

It took me at least a month to finally come to terms with the new state of being and just accepting the fact that yes, I am worn out simply by the act of being awake.

And as much as I hate not meeting a schedule for writing, I hate screaming at the kids because I am cranky even more.

Hence the MIA.

So this is fair warning that posting on the blog may be erratic until I can string more than a sentence or two together -or stay awake later than my 2.5 year old.

In the meantime, even though I mentioned it on Facebook and The Twitter, I totally forgot to put it on the blog.

LTYM SF 2016 Cast; image courtesy of Tarja Parssinen of The Flying Chalupa

I GOT CAST IN LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER SF 2016!

So if you are missing my ramblings, might I direct you to the LTYM rabbithole on YouTube? Bring a tissue (or 5,000) and prepare to watch some amazing women (and a few men) share their stories.

Our cast had our first rehearsal today and I pretty much alternated between sobbing my brains out and laughing my ass off.

I have to tell myself I deserve to be there and am not just the token Asian. Of course, Hapa Papa, ever the helpful one, suggested that I was token when I expressed my insecurities. Bastard.

Oh, and this is not meant to be a fishing expedition for compliments. Merely me in awe of the other women who are in the show with me. I’m really excited.

Alright, it’s already way past my bedtime so unless I want to be screaming at the current babies, I’m going to sleep.

See you Wednesday.

15 thoughts on “Now That I’ve Lost My Mind

  1. I am in awe of your strength and ability to put more than two letters together, let alone sentences. I only have one child, and he’s 12. I am not worthy.

    In any case, no, I don’t think you are the token Asian. Your story was selected for its emotional resonance, because it sure as hell resonated with me, a blonde farmer’s daughter from the Midwest. There’s a thread of anger that runs through members of my family, one that I work every day to deal with. It’s good to know I’m not alone. Thank you.

  2. Congratulations! And sympathies that your body is turning on you already. On the up side – you make beautiful babies.

  3. You’re not the token Asianbut the only minority you know I always notice these things haha! But I’m so proud of you and I know exactly how tired you feel. I’m not pregnant and I want to take a nap after I get up so I hope you can get some help so you can at least have a little bit of “down time”. sending you big virtual hugs!

  4. Well Well two big announcements. Congrats on both. Apparently you getting busy over there 😉 sorry I’m late on seeing this but I’m out hear listening. I have been MIA on FB too just busy at the 9 to 5 though not dealing with the beautiful blessing you are.

  5. You have 3 children and 1 on the way and you’re blogging and… You’re no token. You’re a model. I hope to catch up (not with the kids) with the blogging. Thanks for sharing your deeply moving story on Sunday. It resonated with me.

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