OMG, I’m PREGNANT!


I’m slow, ok? I’ve barely thought about this pregnancy since I got pregnant and other than the constant reminder when I’m on public transportation (only because kind people keep offering me a seat – which I usually assume is for the kids until I remember that I’m huge), I usually forget that I’m pregnant.

At least, since the second trimester started. I finally got my energy back and was no longer laying down exhausted on the couch every day.

Welp, it looks like that brief 2-3 month respite of energy and activity is almost over. These past two weeks, I’ve been exhausted.

I didn’t expect it.

But one morning, it took me over an hour to walk a distance that normally takes me 15 minutes max. Of course, I did do some shopping, but mostly, I was sitting down on a bench every few feet to rest and drink water.

I was confused and surprised.

After all, wasn’t I the picture of pregnancy efficiency just last week? Bustling around Taiwan with my three kids in tow and carrying 20 pounds of their crap and zipping from one place to another?

It’s all gone now.

Two days ago, I had to take two naps. One after breakfast and one after lunch. Because I ate too hard.

That is sad.

(Also, awesome in a perverse sort of way.)

Thank goodness Hapa Papa arrived on the scene for the last week of school to schlep all the kids’ stuff and to carry Glow Worm. Otherwise, it would have been a REALLY bad week.

At any rate, here are several TMI signs of how my blissful 2nd trimester has gone the way of the dodo and I am now likely back to permanent exhaustion. You know, just in time for homeschooling in the fall. (Although, given the choice between 1st or 3rd trimester in Taiwan, I’ll take the 2nd. Thanks.)

1) I can no longer bend over while sitting down. It is physically too painful to do so. I can kinda bend over while standing, but that is also uncomfortable.

2) I can no longer easily get up from a sitting position – especially if I’m sitting on the ground.

Good thing I have three semi-useful small children to fetch me things. But let’s be real. It’s mostly Hapa Papa doing the fetching. (Hey, he’s trying to get back in shape and up his daily steps. I’m just doing my part to help.)

3) This is a totally TMI entry. I mean, totally TMI.

Still here?

Ok. So, for the last week or so, it feels like my vagina is permanently stretched out and has something in it. Like a head or something.

You know, that feeling when you are about to poop, have kinda started pooping, but the poop isn’t out but has just started to stretch out your anus?

That feeling.

In my vag.

It is weird and discomfiting, to say the least. (Hmmm… I suppose that ship has sailed – for saying the least, I mean.)

4) I felt a weird body part from the baby yesterday. Like, super weird. It was all hard and lumpy and I could feel the outer edges of a limb or head or butt or whatever. And it didn’t move. It was solid. And uncomfortable. And I totally made all the kids and Hapa Papa feel it because COOL!

5) Braxton Hicks are back with a vengeance.

6) I’m feeling huge. I kinda look huge, too. I find it crazy that I will be even huger in three months.

(This point clearly channeled Trump. I apologize.)

7) I waddle.

8) Huge boobs, huge belly, and sweltering humid summer heat in Taiwan do not make for sexy times. My ENTIRE bra is sopping wet at the end of the day.

Like, the cups and EVERYTHING.

9) Another TMI point, here.

I can smell myself.

Sometimes it’s just my sweaty armpits. (I pretty much only stink when I’m pregnant.)

Sometimes, I can smell my own crotchtal area. (That makes me feel particularly awesome.)

Sometimes, I can smell both. At the same time.

It’s demoralizing.

10) At the end of the day, when I’m exhausted and know I should sleep, what do I do?

CHAT ALL NIGHT WITH MY LADIES AT HOME.

I blame pregnancy induced discomfort and insomnia. But we all know it’s FOMO.

Alright. That’s it for this edition of completely shallow and gross. You’re welcome. Now go back to your un-gross days. You bastards.