Brain Rattles


Folks, I know that the reason I’m tired is because I have a four month old as well as make poor sleeping choices. Them’s the breaks, right?

However, a sleepy, tired brain does not make for coherent pieces that document and logicize bilingual education or any of the things that I want to talk about but require a lot of brain power.

So then, here is another one of my mental flotsam posts wherein I ramble and subject you, Dear Reader, to the odd, amusing, and terribly banal things rattling around in my noggin.

1) I really, really, really, really, really hate Hapa Papa’s new job. I mean, I am grateful he has a well-paying job. I am grateful he has friends who want to recommend him to awesome positions. I am grateful he gets to try new things.

But I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY HATE HIS NEW JOB.

He is gone a LOT and I am TIRED and the kids miss him and oddly enough, I miss him, too.

That is all.

2) Sasquatch is delicious.

His fatty meat sleeves are a delight to squish. I love him grabbing onto my fingers, my hair, my shirt, my face (via my mouth, naturally), and whatever else.

Plus, his crooked grin whenever he sees me melts my cold, dark heart.

3) Sasquatch’s skin has decided to declare war. All my kids have had some form of eczema on their face around this age – and none as insanely horrible as poor Glow Worm.

But seriously, his poor face. His entire left cheek was an open, weeping sore. Makes me so sad.

This time around, I did not wait and try a ton of natural remedies. I gave him about max a week on essential oils and then said FUCK THIS and took him to the doctor.

It was getting better until it got worse.

So I took him back and got him oral antibiotics. It seemed to be helping. Until it got worse again.

Then, we went back AGAIN and got a stronger steroid, and I used a different cream as well as bought new eczema gloves and softer/lighter muslin swaddling blankets so he didn’t scratch his face off.

It is only recently that his face is no longer an open, weeping wound. He finally has whole skin without breaks and cracks.

We also went to an allergist and found out he’s allergic to milk so I am not consuming dairy. This makes me sad, too. But better me without dairy than Sasquatch with horrible eczema.

Intellectually, I know that Sasquatch’s eczema is not a judgment on me as a parent. But truthfully, every time I saw his poor little face, I felt like an abject failure.

My job as his mother is to keep him safe and healthy and yet his face was bloody and raw and sad.

Only now that his face has healed mostly (still red, but I’ll take that!) that I feel as if a burden has been lifted and I’m not frantically buying desperate things off Amazon and Googling eczema remedies at 2am.

4) At least I got back into reading again. That makes me happy.

5) Dr. T and my friends keep suggesting I get a mother’s helper, but honestly, I have no idea what I would do with one. I don’t have any problems with letting laundry sit unfolded, or not cleaning the bathroom all the time, and cooking now that I have the Instant Pot is not a problem.

After MANY sessions of debating this with Dr. T and my friends, I realized that I just miss Hapa Papa.

Oh, and I like to complain.

6) I never thought I would actually crave silence.

It turns out that I am getting more introverted as I have more children. And that’s because even though I am very extroverty, a lot of my extrovertiness is required throughout the day, and quite frankly, even extroverts need silence.

Silence is difficult to come by in my house.

7) Now that I cook all the time, it’s weird when I do go out to eat. The food actually tastes weird to me. I don’t let that stop me from eating it though.

8) Every now and then, it hits me anew: Sasquatch is my last baby.

This fills me with such sadness because truly, I love babies. I LOVE BABIES. They are fat, squishy, and simple. Dare I say, easy?

So, I’m glad I remember every now and then that he is the last one because it allows me to actively be present and sniff and slobber all over his smiley, happy face.

Ok. Now I’ve made myself sad again.

9) I’m tired. I’m really really really tired.

I’m glad that occasionally, I can tell my older three to iPad or whatever and then go upstairs to nap with the baby.

10) I have now reached the LOSING ALL MY HAIR part of post-pregnancy. It is demoralizing. Pregnancy and child-rearing is not for the faint of heart.

Ok. I think that is the most my brain can handle today for stringing together sentences. Hopefully, this will trick my brain into writing more.

Sometimes, Parenting is a Slog

I came to an unexpected realization tonight. I don’t think I’ve been happy lately. A lot of it is due to me feeling overwhelmed about Glow Worm and then my two older kids on top of that. Then, I feel stupid for feeling so overwhelmed because let’s be honest. Glow Worm’s skin issues aren’t life threatening. (The infections may have come to that had I allowed them to rage on, but I didn’t and he’s much better now.)

After going to Stanford pediatric dermatology, they gave me some skin regimens that though labor intensive and a pain in the ass, are quite doable and are working. My main gripe with them is they care more about treatment versus prevention. They seemed skeptical about what I think is the root cause of Glow Worm’s eczema (protein sensitivities from food). So, short of repeated treatment (granted, effective treatment), they aren’t really helpful in terms of preventing this from occurring in the future.

I find this both disappointing and infuriating. It’s not like I suggested Glow Worm’s eczema was caused by aliens doing scientific experiments on him. FFS, be useful! It is NOT a fait accompli! Blergh.

So, hopefully, this is just a phase that I’m going through. Sorry my blog is nonstop complainy lately. Please don’t think I am not grateful for my life and my kids. It’s just a tough (for me, anyway) time at the moment.

What I am SUPER grateful, other than my family, are my awesome friends who go out of their way to babysit my older kids so I can take Glow Worm to doctor appointments without also having to deal with two small children, as well as offer to pick up and drop off Cookie Monster from school. It so strange how it was initially very difficult for me to accept this type of help. Now, I’m all for it.

Truly, I don’t know how people do it without any help from friends or family. I would just curl up and cry (more).

I am so tired that my house is a mess (I haven’t really cleaned it in at least a month – which in the grand scheme of things, is not a big deal, but the part of me that likes to get things clean and done cringes), my kids are barely fed and clothed, and I just pretty much let Cookie Monster and Gamera fend for themselves. In fact, this morning, I realized that not only do I have no idea how to play with Gamera when Cookie Monster is at school, I have no desire to.

I am not sure whether or not that is a good, bad, or neutral thing.

Part of me thinks that one of the perks of bearing multiple children super close in age is me no longer needing to entertain small children. The other part of me thinks that I am a lazy, half-assing parent. (Perhaps both opinions can be simultaneously true.)

I know several of my friends have suggested that I hire a baby sitter to come and watch the children while I decompress. While I appreciate that suggestion, the thought of doing so just causes me more stress. My kids have only been watched by family or close friends. Hiring a babysitter to watch all THREE of my kids (that is THREE kids four and under) is costly (around $25/hr or maybe more) and likely, traumatic for my incredibly clingy children. In fact, I think Glow Worm would be the most accepting of a baby sitter. Also, I find it really wasteful since the whole point of me being a SAHM is to STAY AT HOME. This is my JOB.

Keep in mind, I also do have a reasonable amount of alone time when Hapa Papa is at home or my mom comes over. I do leave the house sans children. Of course, when I come back, I usually have to be OK with the house looking as if a tornado swept through it and my kids in various states of disarray. (Not that this is not the situation when I watch my kids by myself, but it is even MORE overwhelming when I have just been all peaceful and happy and then walk home into what seems like a Disaster Zone and have to switch back into parenting mode. Then I find that all that Zen-ness immediately leaks away and my shoulders tense right back up.)

Anyhow, I find myself constantly tired and annoyed – even with going to sleep when the kids sleep (around 9pm). Granted, my sleep is constantly broken, but I AM sleeping. I finally got around to watching some TV the other day (I haven’t made a dent in my DVR in at least a month) and my reading seems to have picked up again. But mostly, I feel as if I’m treading water and anything I do to decompress just piles up the To Do list higher and higher.

Compounding this is Hapa Papa traveling a lot as well as my mom being gone for about two weeks with her own travels. Yes, yes. Cry me a river. I realize that so many people out there are single parents and have to deal with this AS WELL AS work full time. I get it. I am not special or unique in my travails. I’m not trying to start a “Who has it harder” pissing contest. I am just telling it like it is for me right now.

No doubt, I just have to chug through this and in a few weeks, Glow Worm will be markedly healed, I will get more sleep, my kids will miraculously listen instead of looking at me like I’m making suggestions until I yell at them and even then, they move SO FUCKING SLOWLY – oh right, I was in the middle of telling myself that it will all be better soon.

I know I would seriously feel less stressed if I did the following:

1) Sleep more.

2) Build in more time to account for the unaccountable SLOWNESS of my older children doing ANYTHING that requires haste.

3) Stop caring HOW my kids do things as long as they do it. However slowly.

4) Eat more fruits and vegetables. (Oh, let’s just be honest. Eat fruits and vegetables. That would instantly make it more.)

5) Stop worrying about if my children injure themselves. I can warn them all I want but if my kids seem to have an utter inability to sit in the center of the fucking chair, then they deserve to fall off. Every day. I just. Gah. I suppose that’s why we have health insurance. *sigh*

6) Choose to focus on the good moments.

7) Choose to let go of the bad moments.

8) Drink more peach bellinis. Mmmmm… I need to learn how to make me some of those. I have a VitaMix. And Google. It can be done. (Sigh. Now I’ve become a stereotypical SAHM who drinks. I don’t even drink! But I can start!)

Alright, who wants to have an afternoon (Oh, why lie? Morning sounds fine, too.) play date where we make and consume peach bellinis?