Fear and Loathing

Author’s Note: Not sure how to preface today’s post. For my friends who may worry about me, please know that I am ok for the most part. These thoughts are not the usual state of being for my brain. They do tend to run this way when I spiral into shame or when I despair. (As was the case when I wrote this.) When I was younger, these bouts would last days or weeks. But now, they last for at most, a few hours. 

This is not to say that I am perfectly fine. But mostly, my thoughts are manageable and I am not sitting in pain throughout the day. I am grateful that is the case because I know for many people, this condemning internal monologue is the norm and any respite from it is the deviation.

If you are suffering from Depression, please, GET HELP. You are not alone.

Deep down, I am deeply afraid.

What if they’re right? That I am nothing but a bully. Not good enough. Bad. Causing untold trauma to my kids.

I want to scream, “I can be good, too! I am not all bad!”

But I drown.

I want to stop breathing. Black out. Cease to exist. Except that would cause further trauma to my children.

How can I want another baby?

Jesus, have mercy. Jesus, help.

How do I get out of this dark, closeted space? Could this darkness be a mercy? If so, it is a severe mercy indeed.

I want my heart cut out. I want the earth to open up and swallow me whole. To curl up in a corner and die. Literally die.

Depression lies. 

Please let that be true.


Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255. (National Suicide Prevention Lifeline)

Taiwan Withdrawal

It’s been awhile since my last update. Many apologies! I’ve been trying to unstick my head from my ass. As great as it was to finally be home, Real Life is decidedly less fun than Holiday Life. I know, I know. Wah. Cry me a river et al. But it really has been quite an adjustment.

Some silly things that have been hard:

1) Jet lag. And it’s ensuing craziness. Hapa Papa and I likely would’ve switched back right away, but our kids made it very difficult because even though we might’ve been fine sleeping at night and being awake during the day like a normal human, you can’t stay up all night with the kiddos and still keep up during the day. Maybe back when I was a college student, but no more. I am weak sauce, people.

2) NO FOOD. I mean, yes, I could’ve gotten off my ass and gone to Costco sooner than I did, but see above paragraph. I finally made it to Costco (and was TOTALLY off my game – it was sad) but only because Glow Worm’s birthday party rather necessitated it. Can’t invite people over and tell them to eat cold cereal. Or I suppose you can, but that may be the last time people come for awhile.

Also, WHAT DO YOU MEAN I HAVE TO FEED MY KIDS FOR EVERY MEAL?

3) Suburbia is great but after the ease and convenience of living in Taipei for a month, it was quite the culture shock. Why is everything so far away? Why aren’t there fifty restaurants in a square mile? Why is food so expensive? Why is everything so quiet? AND WHY ARE THERE SO MANY ANTS?!?!

4) I have way too much stuff. I could fit the entire two bedroom apartment we were renting in my master bedroom, closet, and ensuite. Yes, yes. Wah again. But the nice thing about living in such a small place is that there is limited space so you can only have so much stuff because otherwise, you have no space to live.

Hence, garage sale. To make room for all the toys and books I got in Taiwan.

5) Glow Worm hates the car again. 🙁

6) I miss Fleur and her kids. It was like being back at college again but with babies. I mean, I love Hapa Papa and everything, but he has to work (wth, right?) and can’t hang out with me all day mapping out where we are going to eat next.

7) I am dehydrated because I am not eating two shaved ices a day. Also, I am hungry because I cannot procure ready made meals for cheap here and I actually have to make food and that’s why I eat a lot of dry cereal. (Still no dairy.)

I’m sure there are more but it’s pathetic to be whining about how “hard” my transition back has been when really, it’s been pretty good and I am glad to be home.

Ok. Back to my exciting life. What do you do to ease your way back to reality after a trip? Let me know in the comments.

My Perforated Brain

A long time ago, or so I remember, my brain used to work and work well. I learned new things quickly without much trouble, and thought myself so awesome for having an agile mind (that I did nothing to earn or deserve). Well, the joke’s on me because that is no longer the case.

It’s not so much that my brain is broken. I’ve surprised myself lately by doing things I didn’t think I was capable of doing such as researching articles and responding to comments in a logical and polite way. Who knew I could be diplomatic and congenial all the while completely disagreeing with people? UNHEARD OF.

I’m talking more specifically about acquiring and applying new skills. It’s possible that I just have a mental block, but mostly, it’s because learning somewhat foreign skills requires time. In particular, larger chunks of uninterrupted time. So, unless it’s after the kids are asleep (and my brain is exhausted), I mostly have to learn in smaller increments. As a result, I barely get through a few new concepts and what do you know? Cookie Monster has discovered Mommy is not around and has gone searching and then has found me. Or Glow Worm wakes up from his nap. Or something. And since a lot of this stuff that I’m learning is technical jargon and stuff I haven’t fully integrated into my brain yet, all the new stuff I had just read (and re-read) goes POOF!

I know. I really should just disappear for half a day at the library or a coffee shop (how cliché), turn off the internet, and dive in. But since it’s mostly a side project and not urgent, I make excuses and tell myself I’d prefer to read or hang out with my friends in my limited spare time. After all, despite Hapa Papa traveling all the time for vacation work, he might also appreciate some downtime for himself. (BWAHAHAHAHA! Oh, who are we kidding? NO TIME FOR YOU, Hapa Papa!)

All this to say that I never thought I would long for large swathes of time to study and learn for my own enjoyment and edification. College is totally wasted on the young.

Slowly Moving Forward

I can’t believe it’s almost the end of March already. I thought 2014 just started? *sigh*

I don’t know about you, but I’ve been just slammed these past few months. It’s not even that bad – I’m just slow. I’ve been making excuses for myself, taking advantage of all Glow Worm and my doctor appointments (between his allergic reactions and my back going out), I’ve dropped most of my house-cleaning (except the bare minimum) and paying attention to the mail (eg: medical bills from all these appointments). Plus, my 2014 Goals were just slammed to the back burner and I ignored them.

Well, I’ve been very productive today. Of course, it’s 1:30am and I am also really screwed tomorrow (today?). But I’ve gotten several monkeys off my back. (Which makes me exceedingly happy even though really, these things are just what normal, responsible adults do on a daily basis. Whatever. I’m still feeling chuffed.) It especially makes me happy in light of my previous post addressing stuff I suck at.

So, because I’m four years old, I’m gonna tell you what I finally did:

1) Cleared out and filed approximately 3-4 months of unopened mail. SO PLEASED and SO RELIEVED. Do you know that this isn’t even the longest I’ve gone without going through my mail? I had at least two years worth of mail in several paper bags that I powered through right before Gamera was born. Or was it Glow Worm? I really don’t remember. All I know is that it was pathetic. And yes. Really. TWO YEARS. (This includes medical bills – I really don’t know how I was that bad. It’s not like we don’t have the means to pay for things. I was just really fucking lazy. *sigh*)

2) Gathered my 2013 tax documents for my CPA appointment today. Now, at least I was a teensy bit better last year and started a folder for tax documents (both a physical one and an electronic one). But, of course, I didn’t download all my 1099s and W-2s until past 11pm. (Hey, Cookie Monster and Gamera didn’t conk out until past 10:30pm and I ranted about it on Facebook and then I watched a well-deserved episode of The Vampire Diaries.) And you know, we have a shit-ton of accounts.

3) Paid a lot of slightly past due/about to be past due medical bills. What? I kinda mentioned this in #1? Pffft. This is so awesome it’s worthy of it’s own mention. (Admittedly, this is a lot like being proud of NOT beating my own children. But I don’t care.)

4) Started back on my housecleaning schedule again. Ok. I didn’t only do it today. And I am still letting a lot slide. But baby steps, ok?

What? You were expecting more? TOO BAD. That’s all I’ve got. I really need a wife.

Things I Inexplicably Suck At

I am good at many of the mundane things in life: doing dishes, tidying the house (for the most part), making sure my children are fed and alive, buying groceries, breathing. You know, the important stuff of every day life. But somehow, I utterly fail out other things. No excuses. Just complete sucktitude. Here they are in no particular order.

1) Paying medical bills. Seriously, why can’t there just be an autopay option? Stop sending me bills. Start auto-billing my credit card.

2) Playing with my children. I don’t know if I was always terrible at it or that I started being terrible the instant I gave Cookie Monster a playmate, but dude. I really don’t enjoy playing with my kids. I don’t hate it, but I don’t love it. I constantly feel as if they should play by themselves and with each other and leave me out of the equation entirely.

3) Brushing teeth. (But flossing, I’m good.) Both for myself and for my kids. I don’t know why.

4) Bath/Bed time routines. Yeah, my kids are cute in the bath but really, I find myself especially short-tempered at night. I feel as if it’s the home stretch and FFS WHY ARE MY KIDS STALLING IN EVERY WAY POSSIBLE JUST BATHE AND SLEEP ALREADY!! GAH!!!

5) Remembering things. I originally started thinking about this post while trying to put the kids to sleep. I know I had another item on this list but I just can’t think of it. It’s been at most ten minutes since I first thought about this subject and then started typing.

6) Getting out of Costco and spending under $100. Impossible. In my entire lifetime, I think it’s only happened once.

7) Bringing in the mail. I’m excellent at bringing in my Amazon packages. Utterly pathetic at bringing in the mail.

8) Filing taxes on time. In my entire lifetime of filing for taxes, I have never filed by April 15. EVER.

9) Using everything we buy. Especially produce. I am really bad at remembering to cook real food. I throw away a lot of stuff. *sigh*

10) Doing anything that requires a phone call. (I finally remembered the item!) Scheduling doctor appointments? Calling customer service? Disputing something? Bah! Why can’t everything be done via email/text/online forums? WHY MUST I SPEAK WITH A HUMAN? For some reason, the phone becomes an 800 lb gorilla when I have to use it for anything that is not ordering take out. (Even then, I am annoyed I can’t order online.) It’s 2014. GET WITH IT, EVERYONE.

Welp, there you have it. A non-exhaustive list of the stupid things I’m terrible at. Am I utterly alone in this? Tell me in the comments.