Of Course

Of course, now that I’m finally out with a friend to work, my internet on the laptop blitzes. It always blitzes at this particular place I’m at, but it’s so close to my house, it’s really hard to resist. Everything on the internet works except access to my blog. Talk about the OPPOSITE of what I want to happen.

I fixed it once. But then promptly forgot it because WHY WOULD I EVER NEED THIS INFORMATION AGAIN?

Oh, Life. You betch.

And of course, now that I finally have resigned myself to the reality of lame interwebs, I open up Word and HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO WRITE.

Keep in mind that during the regular day, I have so many thoughts rushing through my perforated brain that I want to chase down and think about more but if I do, I know I will forget it all when it comes down to write. (Not that I haven’t forgotten it all even without chasing those thoughts down, so I guess it doesn’t really matter which option I choose.)

Sigh.

I swear, I used to be a smart, capable, and competent person. With interesting thoughts and ideas. And nice hair and pretty (or at least, less boring) clothes.

In fact, I used to be an extrovert. And night owl.

Alright, I still am both these things. But even with every child I have, I become more and more introverted. By the end of the day, I just want to crawl and hide and read or watch TV or NOT TALK TO SMALL CHILDREN and then stay up all night doing the things I want to do.

Ok, I lied again. I have no problem leaving my house and chatting with my friends all night. I do some version of this with my late night group texting.

But this night owl business – it’s hard on a body.

And since I have a 5 month old who I apparently forgot to teach how to self-soothe because his hands are always stuck in mittens due to his constant scratching of his eczema face and because he is huge and strong he always breaks his swaddle to scratch and I have to perpetually nurse him so that he calms down enough to go back to sleep and OMG you know those babies who suck on a pacifier and are totally awesome sleeping while they have a pacifier in their mouths but as soon as the pacifier falls out they wake up?

MY NIPPLE IS THAT PACIFIER.

That last paragraph is just one huge run-on sentence that I swear had a point somewhere in the beginning but I forgot and am now too lazy to go back and edit.

Also? I often talk in run-on sentences so just be happy you’re getting the real me.

Oh, right.

This being a pacifier for my baby prevents me from unbroken sleep so when I stay up late, it always bites me in the ass and the next day, I’m exhausted and awake but I have FOUR children to keep alive (however minimally) and though Cookie Monster and Gamera are pretty self-sufficient (and therefore, can also take care of Glow Worm), I don’t really want to make it habit of consistently checking out and leaving the child-rearing heavy lifting to my seven year old.

Ooooh. TWO run-on sentence paragraphs in one post! Maybe this can be my new thing.

The benefit of all this rambling, however, has been that I now remembered all the posts I was supposed to be writing in the first place. So, your loss; my gain!

Let that be a lesson to you aspiring writers – just start writing whatever random thing pops into your head and eventually, you will think of what you wanted to write about and voila! You’re already writing so you can start writing that.

Other things that help include: going to the bathroom; cleaning something; folding laundry; taking a shower; going on a walk; doing something mindless.

In fact, that helps for any type of mental block. Do something that doesn’t require a lot of brain power (except reading/watching TV) and allows your mind to wander. Eventually, your mind will wander back to what you wanted to write about in the first place. In fact, your mind has been working in the background this entire time.

Look! I have now repaid you for your reading my blatherings with this gem of a mind hack.

YOU’RE WELCOME.

I’m going to leave now and go write posts about my undying love for the Instant Pot that you will consume and read and find brilliant on a later date.

Thank you and have a wonderful day. (Or barring that high bar, have a reasonably unsucky day.)

Brain Rattles


Folks, I know that the reason I’m tired is because I have a four month old as well as make poor sleeping choices. Them’s the breaks, right?

However, a sleepy, tired brain does not make for coherent pieces that document and logicize bilingual education or any of the things that I want to talk about but require a lot of brain power.

So then, here is another one of my mental flotsam posts wherein I ramble and subject you, Dear Reader, to the odd, amusing, and terribly banal things rattling around in my noggin.

1) I really, really, really, really, really hate Hapa Papa’s new job. I mean, I am grateful he has a well-paying job. I am grateful he has friends who want to recommend him to awesome positions. I am grateful he gets to try new things.

But I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY HATE HIS NEW JOB.

He is gone a LOT and I am TIRED and the kids miss him and oddly enough, I miss him, too.

That is all.

2) Sasquatch is delicious.

His fatty meat sleeves are a delight to squish. I love him grabbing onto my fingers, my hair, my shirt, my face (via my mouth, naturally), and whatever else.

Plus, his crooked grin whenever he sees me melts my cold, dark heart.

3) Sasquatch’s skin has decided to declare war. All my kids have had some form of eczema on their face around this age – and none as insanely horrible as poor Glow Worm.

But seriously, his poor face. His entire left cheek was an open, weeping sore. Makes me so sad.

This time around, I did not wait and try a ton of natural remedies. I gave him about max a week on essential oils and then said FUCK THIS and took him to the doctor.

It was getting better until it got worse.

So I took him back and got him oral antibiotics. It seemed to be helping. Until it got worse again.

Then, we went back AGAIN and got a stronger steroid, and I used a different cream as well as bought new eczema gloves and softer/lighter muslin swaddling blankets so he didn’t scratch his face off.

It is only recently that his face is no longer an open, weeping wound. He finally has whole skin without breaks and cracks.

We also went to an allergist and found out he’s allergic to milk so I am not consuming dairy. This makes me sad, too. But better me without dairy than Sasquatch with horrible eczema.

Intellectually, I know that Sasquatch’s eczema is not a judgment on me as a parent. But truthfully, every time I saw his poor little face, I felt like an abject failure.

My job as his mother is to keep him safe and healthy and yet his face was bloody and raw and sad.

Only now that his face has healed mostly (still red, but I’ll take that!) that I feel as if a burden has been lifted and I’m not frantically buying desperate things off Amazon and Googling eczema remedies at 2am.

4) At least I got back into reading again. That makes me happy.

5) Dr. T and my friends keep suggesting I get a mother’s helper, but honestly, I have no idea what I would do with one. I don’t have any problems with letting laundry sit unfolded, or not cleaning the bathroom all the time, and cooking now that I have the Instant Pot is not a problem.

After MANY sessions of debating this with Dr. T and my friends, I realized that I just miss Hapa Papa.

Oh, and I like to complain.

6) I never thought I would actually crave silence.

It turns out that I am getting more introverted as I have more children. And that’s because even though I am very extroverty, a lot of my extrovertiness is required throughout the day, and quite frankly, even extroverts need silence.

Silence is difficult to come by in my house.

7) Now that I cook all the time, it’s weird when I do go out to eat. The food actually tastes weird to me. I don’t let that stop me from eating it though.

8) Every now and then, it hits me anew: Sasquatch is my last baby.

This fills me with such sadness because truly, I love babies. I LOVE BABIES. They are fat, squishy, and simple. Dare I say, easy?

So, I’m glad I remember every now and then that he is the last one because it allows me to actively be present and sniff and slobber all over his smiley, happy face.

Ok. Now I’ve made myself sad again.

9) I’m tired. I’m really really really tired.

I’m glad that occasionally, I can tell my older three to iPad or whatever and then go upstairs to nap with the baby.

10) I have now reached the LOSING ALL MY HAIR part of post-pregnancy. It is demoralizing. Pregnancy and child-rearing is not for the faint of heart.

Ok. I think that is the most my brain can handle today for stringing together sentences. Hopefully, this will trick my brain into writing more.

10 Things You Might Not Know About Me


Welp, it’s a slow day here (in my brain anyway), and since it’s been hard for me to be awake past 9pm, this is the best I can do for now. 

1) I prefer action movies and comedies to drama. Bonus points if the action is kungfu or has lots of one on one fighting. Extra bonus points if there is more male nudity than female. 

2) I hate kids. 

People think that I must love children because I have so many. What they don’t realize is that I only love my children – and half the time, I don’t even like them! 

Pretty much I only love the children of people I love. But a random kid? I don’t care how cute they are or precocious (actually, I truly despise “precocious” kids), if I don’t care for or know their parent, I don’t give two shits about them. 

Obviously, I don’t want them to be hurt or sick or whatever. I am not evil. But I truly don’t care about them. 

I once had a very pretty and bubbly little girl who was clearly used to adults fawning over her antics and she kept tagging along with my friend and I while we had a rare, child-free moment. 

I was having none of it. 

After five minutes of her nonsense, I asked her where her mother or nanny was. She pointed to someone. I told her to go back there and talk to them instead. We were adults having a conversation and she was not invited. 

I felt bad for about 30 seconds. And then I stopped. Why? Because who was she to me? No one. 

Also? I see my friend at most once a year, for a few hours at best. I was not going to let some entitled little girl waste my fucking time. 

3) I hate traveling and seeing touristy stuff. 

4) I love dinosaurs. But not in a way that requires me to learn about them. I just love seeing their bones in museums. 

How was anything that huge?

5) I don’t play with children. 

I have so many children so that I do not have to play with them. My kids know that I don’t play and no longer ask.

Part of me is sad. But you know what? I don’t recall my parents (or anyone else’s parents) ever playing with us as kids – except maybe when we were older and played grown up card games. 

6) I don’t have Netflix or Hulu or any other streaming service other than what comes with Amazon Prime – and I don’t even use that

The thought of one other monthly payment for something I would barely use hurts me. But it makes me sad when shows are only on those services. It comforts me that if they were on cable, I probably still wouldn’t watch. Because laziness. 

7) In the same vein, I don’t do any subscription boxes. The thought of an endless monthly stream of stuff coming in that I can never finish using all of stacking up in my house gives me hives. 

It’s a shame though because there are so many good ones out there!

8) I don’t mind washing dishes or loading the dishwasher but I absolutely LOATHE unloading the dishwasher. 

Similarly, I don’t mind folding laundry – I just hate putting it away. I am pleased I have trained the kids to put away their own clothes. WIN!

9) After my various pregnancies, there are foods that I shudder just to think about eating despite having zero problems with it before. 

Alfredo sauce. Raw spinach. Shoot. Most salads. 

Just thinking about the sounds these things make while eating them or their mouth feel gives me the heebies. 

I am literally shuddering as I write this. 

10) I don’t understand raw oysters. 

Baked ones, maybe. 

But raw? That’s like swallowing whole snot. Ew. 

Alright. Fluffy and ridiculous piece today but that’s all I have in me. I am gonna go makeout with Sasquatch now. 

What I’ve Been Doing Instead of Writing

Happy New Year, friends!

Ok, ok. The new year started nine days ago. I’m a little late to the game. But you know what? Technically, a new year starts every single second so there.

I decided to give myself a break from writing what with a two month old and the holidays and what not. But at some point, a break can become a state of being so I forced myself to take time to actually write.

It’s not that I don’t have anything to write about. But it is a muscle that has taken a good 3-5 month break because let’s be real, I haven’t written much in the back quarter of the year.

I couldn’t even get it together for the typical 2016 round up posts like my top posts of the year, my top Chinese posts of the year, my top books, etc.

So, what have I been doing instead of writing both to relieve stress, exercise my brain, as well as entertain you lovely people?

Here then, is a handy list:

1) Munching on Sasquatch.

Look. He’s two months and change and fat. SO DELICIOUSLY FAT.

He’s my last baby so dammit, I am his sole source of nourishment and he’s gotta be 15+ pounds by now and I MADE THAT so you know what?

I GET TO EAT HIM.

2) Playing Two Dots and its sequel, Dots & Co.

Instead of doing something productive like reading or writing or parenting, I play this mindless game. I’ve even thrown money at it. I’m not too proud to admit that.

I even got my brother, my sister-in-law, Cookie Monster, and some friends addicted.

I’ve done my duty to society. You’re welcome.

3) Read.

I finally got off my ass and started reading again. Ok, I guess I haven’t really stopped reading so much as took a month or so break from reading fantasy novels that really are a huge time investment.

It has been glorious.

I will be doing a book post soon so I will expound on those books then.

But needless to say, reading has been awesome. The authors are really stepping up their game.

However, this does cut into my sleep so I am tired. A lot. And this also does not help with the writing thing.

4) Stalked and overshared on Facebook.

Ok, that really isn’t any sort of new behavior. But it certainly has taken up a lot of my time.

5) Adulting.

Yes, yes. I have gotten a head start on my goals for 2017 and actually started to pay medical bills on time. (Seriously – this is the first time out of the four babies I have actually paid for the birth bills within six months of the baby appearing.)

I also submitted insurance claims and opened brokerage accounts and transferred money and added beneficiaries and made sure that if Hapa Papa and I were to both die that Sasquatch would get his fair share of our loot.

Priorities, people.

6) Avoided reading the newspaper.

Even though I have a digital subscription to the NYT and used to also read HuffPo religiously, I have completely stopped reading articles unless they are posted on Facebook.

I think I got burned out on the news during the election.

I know I should go back to reading because being informed during the Trump Presidency will be key to making sure our rights aren’t eroded and stolen out from under us.

But still. I needed a break.

7) Using my Instant Pot.

Okokokokok. I don’t want to overstate my actual usage. But I’ve used it 5-6 times since my friend came over and made me dinner so I consider it a win.

It doesn’t really take up that much time. I just wanted to brag.

8) Texting.

Again. Not a new thing. But I want to be honest.

Now that I list things out, I feel a little embarrassed. After all, you can’t call yourself a writer if you’re not writing.

(Although, really. Is it a constant state of writing that makes you a writer? Or you have to write a certain percentage of time? I mean, if you’re not actively seeing patients, you’re still a doctor, right? So how come you can only call yourself a writer if you write? Sorry. Tangent.)

Anyhow, this is just a pre-emptive pronouncement that there are BIG THINGS coming down the pipeline. And by BIG THINGS, I mean, just the usual. I just wanted to hype myself up to get excited about writing again.

Mostly, I just need to get back in the habit of writing and re-learning the fact that I can no longer dedicate huge swaths of time to writing (among other things) and need to figure out how to work productively in short spurts of time.

You know, be an actual grown up.

Alright. That’s it for today. What have you been up to during the holidays? Let me know in the comments.

Random Thoughts

Friends, I am a little tipsy on fatigue and a day full of drinking prosecco at Cookie Monster’s birthday party. So, if today’s post is particularly punchy and random, blame the baby. Being tired hurts my brain cells more than the prosecco.

Seriously, you need to check out my friend, Miranda Wicker’s, Wine Shop at Home site and order this prosecco. I am not a fan of wine at all. I smell wine and fall over drunk. Quite frankly, I don’t see the appeal.

However, I am a fan of sparkling wine (which I recently learned is just champagne from areas other than Champagne, France). In fact – I particularly enjoy prosecco during the day (there is something delightfully naughty about drinking in the day time for me). So because I love my friend, Miranda, I wanted to support her business and bought two bottles of their Le Cadeaux Semi-Seco.

Dude, the shipping was $18 because they have to pay by weight and use a fancy bottle cushioner thingy to make sure your wine bottles arrive unbroken (IMPORTANT). But other than that, the wine arrived in 2 days.

TWO DAYS. (It might have even be less than two days – I can’t remember because I am a horrible reviewer of things but you’re stuck with me so I’M NOT SORRY.)

Anyhow, I originally was considering ordering a case on Black Friday for $240 but Hapa Papa put his foot down and ruined all things (he claims I don’t drink enough but you know what? I could and I could start now. Talk about a lack of imagination on his part. Lame.)

I meant to immediately start drinking the moment I received the package but since I was by myself, I didn’t want to waste it and risk it losing all its bubbly because I can’t kill a bottle by myself. I even bought special bottle stoppers for bubblies because otherwise it will lose its fizz and I was not about to ruin $22 bottle wine. (Affiliate link.)

But it turns out I needn’t have bothered with the wine stopper because it’s all gone gone gone. Down my gullet and my friends. YUM. Not too sweet and not too dry. Just the way I like it.

Ok. That was a pretty boozy preamble for a non-drinker. But now onto my other thoughts.

1) I finally convinced my mother that Hapa Papa and I don’t want Christmas presents and I would rather spend time with her watching a movie or eating so we watched Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them tonight.

Since I exclusively breastfeed, I had to start pumping milk this week so I would have enough milk for Sasquatch during the three hours I would be out.

It was hard because I haven’t been pumping and I was starving when trying to ramp up production. Making milk is hard work. Also? I lost sleep because instead of sleeping, I was pumping milk.

Sasquatch ate 10 ounces in the three hours I was gone and when I got home, he was still hungry. This was after I fed him before I left.

People, this means I will need to pump milk for months before I will have enough for baby boy when I go off to Type A Parent West 2017 in Denver this coming April.

I am going to be very hungry and cranky.

2) Incidentally, because I so rarely watch movies now, all the previews seem amazing. I teared up inappropriately at all the movies. Every movie looked amazing.

3) My mom seemed really happy to watch a movie. She loves movies but doesn’t have anyone to watch with. I don’t know why we haven’t gone to see more movies together.

In 2017, I am going to make more of an effort to watch movies with my mom. Easy peasy.

4) I have been listening to The Weeknd on Spotify lately after reading a review in the New York Times of his latest album.

I never realized just how filthy The Weeknd is.

Also? His cover of Michael Jackson’s Dirty Diana is amazing. If I could sex a song I would have sex with this song. It is so good.

Maybe I just don’t listen enough to music. I don’t know.

5) I am starving.

6) My friend’s husband was so appalled that I’ve owned the Instant Pot (affiliate link) since July but I still hadn’t brought it out of the box to use it; he decided to make us dinner with my Instant Pot.

People – this is how you friend, ok? Everyone else? STEP UP YOUR GAME.

He kept trying to tell me how awesome the Instant Pot is by describing all the things I could make and I just kept laughing at him. Me make tacos? Pulled pork? Braised pork shoulders?

I don’t make these things. I eat these things.

I am chuckling just thinking about it.

7) Geez, people. I really am ravenous. But Sasquatch is on me and I am in bed.

Sigh.

8) Oh, and I know I mentioned it last week, but HFS, I have been adulting af this week.

I AM MADE OF WIN.

I don’t know how long this will last. I am deeply suspicious of myself.

And with that note, I should sleep. (I will lost likely squeeze in a few more games of Two Dots though because I can only make so many wise decisions without maxing them out.)

Happy Monday!

Incoherent Ramblings of My Sleep Deprived Mind

I am a consummate idiot. 

Instead of going to bed at 9pm last night, and possibly sleeping through the night because Sasquatch seems to be sleeping longer when he is dry (so adding an insert to his cloth diaper was super helpful), I stayed up until 3-4am playing a new to me game called Two Dots.

This is why I can’t have nice things. This is also why I have never tried drugs. Because I have an addictive personality and dammit all if I didn’t spend all day playing this stupid game. 

In fact, I am currently fighting off the incredibly strong urge to play the game in order to write this post. 

So, because I ruined my brain and likely will be super cranky today (my busiest day of the week – great planning, jackass), I give you more of the random firings of my brain. 

1) My unders still hurt. Though I have mostly stopped leaking blood, my baby squeezing out parts still ache and are kinda throbby (and not in the good throbby kinda way). 

I really hope this is normal and not because I have an infection in Lady Town. 

2) I didn’t need to mention that there is a highly likely chance of me being TMI, right? 
No one is new here. 

3) I am ravenous. 

I would say it’s because I am breastfeeding, but mostly it’s because I make poor eating choices. 

So this is the secret to how I always end up losing weight post-baby. It is because my body just does that (sorry) rather easily and also because I breastfeed a lot. (Yesterday seemed to be continuous ALL DAY.) 

But, it is also likely because I am used to not eating dinner with the family and usually prefer to eat by myself after everyone is down for the night. Except now I am super tired and often fall asleep nursing in bed (we co-sleep) and by the time I wake up it’s too late and I just say fuck it and go back to bed. 

And then, when I am up during the day, I never particularly want to eat what the kids eat so I graze and eat mostly snacks so um, yeah. 

I especially eat a lot of chocolate and Halloween candy. It is delicious. 

Bad decisions all around. 

4) Gamera did not sleep well last night. She kept sleep-talking all night and she was NOT happy in her dreams. At least once, she sleep-yelled/whined at Cookie Monster and her frenemie, Rhythm Girl

I love how she gets pissed off even in her sleep. Clearly, she is my child. 

5) So I am bummed that Cookie Monster and Gamera’s eyes have succumbed to genetics and are now both wearing glasses for reading. 

However. 

The bright side is that kid glasses are no longer horrible and awkward like when I was a kid so they are adorable. 


6) Our part of CA seems to have finally gotten the memo that it is fall and indeed, has been fall for some time now. 

I am cold. 

7) My butt and legs constantly go numb because I am always sitting and nursing Sasquatch.

I am probably getting tennis elbow because I am constantly on my phone either texting or playing Two Dots

It’s a sickness. 

8) I love getting free books at the library. But I hate how I end up paying so many fines because I am incapable of returning books on time lately. 

9) I need to find new TV shows to watch that are episodic and not a continued story arc. I started Designated Survivor and though I enjoy it, the pressure to keep watching is about to do me in. I just can’t stand all the new episodes judging me in my DVR queue. And now there are so many it seems that watching them will take too much effort. 

I still have Roots on my DVR from summer. Still haven’t come up with the commitment to watch any. 

I need another NCIS or start watching Bones reruns again. Pretty much I just need to DVR old procedurals in syndication. 

Ooooh. Psych is back on Ion. Hmmmm. This shows promise. 

10) I am super excited PharmGirl is having her baby soon. Then we can have three sets of frenemy kids. And most importantly – I don’t have to make new friends so that Sasquatch can have friends. 

WINNING!!

Now, to convince my other good friends they want a third or fourth child. 

Alright. That’s it. My brain is done. See you soon!

Scattershot

My mind is totally everywhere right now and while I’m sure each individual thought is snowflake-esque and definitely brilliant material enough to generate a post of its own because I am a font of hilarity, alas, it is not to be.

And so you, Dear Reader, are forced to read only half germinated thoughts and be satisfied with being genius adjacent versus actual witnesses.

Anyway…

Here then is another one of my lists of random thoughts. You’re welcome.

1) I have been super cranky with the kids lately. So much so that even Hapa Papa thinks I’ve gone a bit nuts. (He particularly thinks it’s bad that I’ve stopped caring about swearing in front of the kids. My thinking is, that ship has long sailed away.)

2) I’m really enjoying my “looser” schedule for this homeschooling year. Still a lot of crap and driving – but much easier than last year and I better remember to keep all that “empty” space open. Easier to homeschool when there is actually time to do so.

3) I’m about 6 weeks out from Induction Wednesday.

I thought it was going to be Induction Tuesday. I am beyond sad that Induction Day has been pushed back an entire 24 hours.

Look. Obviously, I know that babies are better growing on the inside of my uterus. No lectures about any prenatal health, etc. This is my FOURTH kid. Keep your scintillating knowledge to yourself. I likely have read it at least a hundred million times.

HOWEVER.

I’m at that point where I really no longer wish to be pregnant.

I am constantly in a state of discomfort. (In fact, I think I’ve been uncomfortable almost every single day of this pregnancy.) And truthfully, I have had a very easy and uneventful pregnancy (as were my other three).

Obviously, super grateful for healthy babies and pregnancies and all this healthy stuff.

AND STILL.

I look like I swallowed a basketball.

Everything hurts.

I am ALWAYS uncomfortable.

I want to be unpregnant.

4) Of course, then I remember that to be unpregnant, I will have a newly minted NEWBORN in my life again. Which, although lovely and wonderful and yay for new baby smell and potential new fat baby snarfing, OMG WHAT HAVE WE DONE WE ARE THE STUPIDEST OF HUMANS WE HAVE RUINED EVERYTHING.

I mean, um, YAY BABIES!

5) Seriously. WTF HAVE WE DONE?

6) Oh, and remember when I mentioned that my vagina constantly feels like it has something stuck in it? According to my OB/GYN, that is totally normal because my vaginal tissues are swollen and full of blood because of this pregnancy – and each pregnancy increases the swelling. So, the reason my vagina feels full? IT IS. FULL OF THE BLOODS.

You’re welcome for that fun factoid.

7) When my mom comes by and takes all three kids out to dinner and they come back fed and happy and tired and slightly wired from froyo?

AWESOME.

8) Even better when I’m not home when they come back and Hapa Papa bathes them and puts them into bed and I come home after consuming unholy amounts of boba and beef stroganoff (I was on a mission today to get some and get some I did) and hanging out with a friend and all I have to do is look at their angelic sleeping faces.

That is the only time they are still, angelic, or silent.

9) Baby4 better be an extrovert or they’re going to have a rough go in this family. Because for realz, there is NEVER silence. They will NEVER be alone. It seems cruel to bring an introvert into the house.

10) Speaking of boba, I was at my local boba place and clearly, I wandered back in time to when every single asshole Asian dude I remember hating in college was in the parking lot showing off their shitty sports cars.

Sorry. Just because your Kia Rio has fancy lights on the outside does not make it cool. Or hot. Or sexy. It makes you sad.

11) That said, I suppose it’s rude to judge people by their outward appearances. And prejudiced. And really, why can’t I let them live? Who cares if they like to show off sub-par cars or the cars their parents bought them? What’s it to me?

Nothing. Nothing at all.

But I still judge. Because FFS.

12) I take an inordinate amount of pleasure in denying people membership to Facebook groups when they do not follow the very simple and specific directions I post as an admin.

I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before.

It bears repeating.

I know. I’m petty. No one is surprised.

13) I’ve been MIA from blogging because I have been busy working on my ebook that I want to get out before Baby4 shows up (at which point, everything will grind to a halt). I’m at the 90% point but definitely at the point where all the low hanging fruit has been picked and everything left is either hard or tedious.

I WILL FINISH THIS OR DIE TRYING.

14) Ok. Maybe not die.

15) When I start online shopping, I shop like I’m trying to win an award or something for most things purchased in short order and without much consideration.

I really should stop doing that.

16) My awesome Black & Decker handheld vacuum that I got for $25 years and years ago died today. I felt my soul cry. Then I had a soul cry that I had a soul cry about it.

17) What’s that you say? Just replace it?

I am. But it is no longer $25. It is considerably more.

This just compounds the soul cry.

18) Ever since I’ve cut down on my kids’ screen time, they play together a lot more and play with our toys a lot more. I know it’s obvious but why do I always forget?

19) I am always thirsty.

20) Corollary: I am always peeing.

21) According to Hapa PapaGlow Worm has seen lots of zombie related videos because he is often pretending to be a zombie. He also pretends to EAT YOUR INTESTINES.

Glow Worm is three.

We win at parenting.

22) When I was showering with Gamera the other day, she pointed to my nipples and asked why they were like the nipples on the goats they milked the other day. She said mine were the same color just not as long.

I blathered something about mammals and milk.

I tried not to laugh and despair simultaneously.

23) Then, Glow Worm decided he wanted milk from my breasts. I thought he would nurse so I said, go ahead. He said he was scared. I told him there was nothing to be scared about.

He came to me and squeezed really hard on my breast. Then, he said, “Not working!” when no milk came out.

He nursed for over 2.5 years and clearly has no memory whatsoever of the experience.

Apparently mammary glands (mine, specifically) were the educational topic of the day. Homeschooling WIN.

24) I really want to see every Daniel Wu movie ever made because he is so hot and even more so now that he is in his 40s.

Oh, who am I kidding? I rarely watch films because I am so lazy. (You have to be a special type of lazy to be too lazy to WATCH a MOVIE.)

I will just stare at pics of him on the internetz instead.

25) I currently sound like a person who smokes two packs a day. I’ve been fighting a sore throat on and off for about a week. Nothing terrible and the essential oils have been helping. But I still sound like Selma on The Simpsons.

26) I always have the most fun with these types of posts because I indulge in pretty much every non sequitur comment that passes through my brain because I find it funny.

Yeah, I said it. I’m my own biggest fan.

Alright. I think I have burbled on enough and will let you lovely people carry on with your Mondays. Have a great day.