How Things are Different with the 4th Baby

Everyone knows that your parenting changes from the first baby to the last baby. Even if it’s not worn out as a topic on HuffPo Parents or ScaryMommy, it’s something that I’ve been thinking about more and more.

I’ve been very lucky.

Not only did I have relatively easy, healthy pregnancies for all four children, I had relatively easy, healthy babies.

I realize that not everyone has these set of conditions and so though I complain, please know that I am grateful that my life as a parent has been mostly pain-free and easy.

Of course, that doesn’t mean that it hasn’t been hard. Because really, the hardest part of parenting isn’t so much the children (all things considered), but more of your character being refined while parenting said children.

People: my character clearly was in great need of reformation.

Therapy is helping.

It’s sad how I need to pay $150 a week to a professional just so I can force myself to pay medical bills on time or to be more aware of my body so I don’t explode at my children – but hey. We all have our issues.

The point is: therapy works. (If you’re willing to put in the work.)

Oh yes, tangent.

Look, by now you are all long-time readers. We all know I have to tangent and meander for at least a few hundred words before I ever get to the point. It’s in the contract.

Anyhow, parenting Sasquatch has been a markedly different experience than parenting Cookie Monster.

Well, of course, I have a ton more experience because I’ve done this three times prior. But surprisingly, it’s because he’s the last.

After all, I have had a lot of experience with my own babies, but only this baby is the last baby.

I have to admit, a lot of the finer details of parenting Gamera and Glow Worm as newborns have been lost to the haze of memory. And when I had more trouble than I previously had with conceiving Sasquatch, I was unprepared because I hadn’t mentally prepared myself for Glow Worm to be the last and I was afraid that he might be.

It was hard to realize that I should have been actively treasuring my moments and firsts with Glow Worm because he was possibly my last baby.

I wasn’t prepared.

But then, thankfully, I got pregnant with Sasquatch and now can be more mindful about all his firsts because he is truly my last. (Well, barring an act of God and quite frankly, immaculate conception – which is also an act of God.)

So then, here now is my list of things that are different with my fourth vs with my first three.

1) I don’t mind carrying Sasquatch everywhere and all the time.

I know he could probably do more tummy time or swing time or not sitting on a human time, but you know what?

LAST BABY.

Ima hold that baby as long as I want.

2) I have no problem handing him off to people – even if I just met them.

Well, within reason, I suppose. When I did hand him to someone I just met, they were a good friend of one of my good friends so it’s ok.

3) I know the importance of pumping milk. Because pumped milk equals freedom.

When Cookie Monster was born, I didn’t leave my house for four months. I rarely got out of pajamas. As a result, I rarely needed to pump milk (although I still did). I also didn’t really want to leave him behind.

Now? Now, the only limiting factors to me leaving Sasquatch with Hapa Papa are the availability of pumped milk and lingering guilt about leaving Hapa Papa with four small children.

Alright. Full disclosure. There is only one limiting factor. I just didn’t want to seem like an asshole.

4) I have no problem co-sleeping until Sasquatch is a tween.

With Cookie Monster, I didn’t really know any better and he wasn’t a good sleeper because I had no idea what I was doing. So he slept on me or poorly throughout the night until I sleep trained him at nine months.

Sasquatch has been co-sleeping with us since day one and really, he’s a good little sleeper and if he ever stirs at night, I just shove a boob in his mouth and he dream feeds and maybe, I change him once around 3 or 4am and then he goes right back to bed.

With Gamera and Glow Worm, they were sleeping in their cribs by two months and mostly through the night. Sasquatch has slept in his crib once. For maybe twenty minutes.

Mostly, he sleeps in my bed next to me with a boob at the ready or he is sleeping on a human. I have started to put him on the couch when he’s napping and he’s slept for hours that way just fine. But I have been too lazy to put him in his crib because WHY?

The silence would probably wake him up. He prefers to sleep deeply to the screams and rabble-rousing of his siblings.

5) If possible, I kiss him even MORE than I kissed all the other babies. Mostly because um, BABY. Also? LAST BABY.

6) I never fully realized just how much oxytocin is amazing.

Seriously, every time I nurse Sasquatch (especially at night in bed), I get a rush of butterflies and love and cozy and happy chocolate chip cookie feelings.

I get teary-eyed just thinking about it.

I’m not really a tender sort of person (I know, collective gasps of disbelief). But this baby boy makes me all squishy inside.

He’s my last shot of squishy.

7) Corollary: I will probably be nursing Sasquatch until he’s ten.

I mean, Glow Worm started nursing again, so it’s not like I’m not okay with it.

8) I have ZERO desire to make new mommy friends.

In fact, I am completely relieved that one of my good friends had a baby right after I had Sasquatch. Our other kids are already good frenemies so I see no reason why our last kids can’t continue on in this grand tradition.

Truthfully, I was more open to making new friends when Glow Worm came along because I knew that he wouldn’t have any friends his age. So, I gamely had weekly Mandarin playgroups at my house and tried.

tried, people.

And I do like and enjoy these mommies, but their kids were their first and not to discount their experiences, but they were different concerns than mine and it was a little harder to relate.

I enjoy them just fine as people and hanging out with them occasionally, but I never got super close. It’s totally my own fault because they were super friendly and inviting. I just was lazy and anti-social.

(Ok, so maybe I didn’t try as hard as I thought I did.)

For Sasquatch, I really am not even going to bother. I mean, if I happen to accidentally make friends with people, I’m not going to stop it from happening. But between homeschooling the other kids and schlepping them to their classes, I don’t see a lot of time for playdates focusing on babies.

My older kids would ruin everything and likely terrify these first time mothers.

9) Instead of eagerly (and gleefully) spending gobs of money buying useless baby stuff, I am eagerly (and gleefully) getting RID of baby stuff.

Thus far, I have happily given away all of Gamera’s clothes and shoes from 6 months to 4T.

I have another person lined up for all my boy/gender neutral baby clothes as soon as Sasquatch grows out of them (he’s already in 6 month clothing).

This same person is also getting my baby swing (which I got from another friend who said I can do whatever I want with the swing as long as I don’t give it back), bouncer, and exersaucer and towels and shoes and blankets and pretty much EVERY THING I CAN FOIST UPON THIS UNSUSPECTING PERSON.

Too bad she doesn’t want my stroller. Anyone want a free stroller?

I am passing along my cloth diaper prefolds and covers to another friend because Fatty Baby here pees a ridiculous amount and I have already upped him to toddler sized prefolds because MY GOD THE PEE.

The only thing I had to buy another one of is cloth diaper covers because apparently, 7 year old cloth diaper covers lose their elasticity and are too loose and I HATE LEAKS DAMMIT so um, yeah.

Also, I have gotten rid of all baby toys like rattles, teethers, etc. because quite frankly, even Cookie Monster didn’t use them as a baby and I DON’T WANT IT IN MY HOUSE ANYMORE.

10) Beyond getting rid of massive amounts of baby things (seriously, I have zero sentimentality about it), I also travel much lighter. With Cookie Monster, I think I packed everything possible in that diaper bag and when I had Gamera, I had a huge weekender sized diaper bag that packed even MORE of everything.

When Glow Worm came along, I had jettisoned most of that stuff and just had a bare bones wet bag for diapers and clothes that I could just shove into my purse.

Same thing for Sasquatch. In fact, I’m lucky if I remember to pack wipes. I am much more whatever about things than I used to be.

In fact, for both Glow Worm and Sasquatch, I don’t even bother with a stroller. (Again – anyone want a stroller?)

I ergo these kids everywhere because it’s much easier to walk around with a baby strapped to me than to deal with taking out a stroller, shoving said baby into the stroller, and then keeping track of three other kids while both of my hands are occupied with steering said stroller.

And with Sasquatch, I didn’t even bother buying a new infant car seat. I hated detaching those suckers and carrying the 25lb seat with a 15lb baby in it is completely UNAPPEALING let alone doing so with three other children.

Plus, I was pretty sure he was going to be a fatty and outgrow the weigh limits ASAP so why bother spending the money?

11) The one thing I didn’t anticipate was how often I would split up with Hapa Papa and go out with just Sasquatch. I arrogantly told Irish Twins when she offered me a free car seat to shut her damn mouth and take that filth away from me and um, oops.

Since I was not nearly has homebound as I thought I would be, I ended up buying the cheapest highly rated car seat possible. I’m not spending $200+ on a backup car seat. $50 is just fine, thanks.

12) I no longer give two snaps about who sees my breasts when I breastfeed. I used to bring covers with Cookie Monster or nursed in other rooms in case people were uncomfortable.

Nope.

That’s one more thing for me to bring, get dirty, and possibly lose so NOPE.

You don’t want to see my breasts? DON’T LOOK.

Amazing!

I mean, I still try to wear clothing so that drapes and provides cover while baby is eating, but quite frankly, I don’t care.

By the time you have your fourth kid, so many people have seen your under bits and pieces that modesty just goes out the window.

And again. People don’t want to see boobies? Use your gorram orbital muscles and LOOK AWAY.

13) Crying doesn’t bother me. At all. Not in the slightest.

Which is useful because apparently, Sasquatch, like his siblings before him, hates the car and will likely hate the car for another 3-4 months.

14) The best part of the last baby, though, is that I already know what’s coming. I know about when they will teethe, sit up, crawl, vocalize, whatever.

So, I don’t have to worry about when things will happen and just enjoy them for what they’re worth. Every thing, both good and bad (and I guess neutral), has its season and fades away.

I am trying to be slightly more mindful of them and cherish the moments of Sasquatch being a fatty baby with a gummy smile and silly newborn sounds. (His angry nursing grumbles and panicked squeaks are hilarious.)

I’m sure there will be more things to add to this list as my last baby gets bigger and bigger. Bittersweet, but I’m glad for the beginning of the end of this season and happy to see what lies ahead.

What I’ve Been Doing Instead of Writing

Happy New Year, friends!

Ok, ok. The new year started nine days ago. I’m a little late to the game. But you know what? Technically, a new year starts every single second so there.

I decided to give myself a break from writing what with a two month old and the holidays and what not. But at some point, a break can become a state of being so I forced myself to take time to actually write.

It’s not that I don’t have anything to write about. But it is a muscle that has taken a good 3-5 month break because let’s be real, I haven’t written much in the back quarter of the year.

I couldn’t even get it together for the typical 2016 round up posts like my top posts of the year, my top Chinese posts of the year, my top books, etc.

So, what have I been doing instead of writing both to relieve stress, exercise my brain, as well as entertain you lovely people?

Here then, is a handy list:

1) Munching on Sasquatch.

Look. He’s two months and change and fat. SO DELICIOUSLY FAT.

He’s my last baby so dammit, I am his sole source of nourishment and he’s gotta be 15+ pounds by now and I MADE THAT so you know what?

I GET TO EAT HIM.

2) Playing Two Dots and its sequel, Dots & Co.

Instead of doing something productive like reading or writing or parenting, I play this mindless game. I’ve even thrown money at it. I’m not too proud to admit that.

I even got my brother, my sister-in-law, Cookie Monster, and some friends addicted.

I’ve done my duty to society. You’re welcome.

3) Read.

I finally got off my ass and started reading again. Ok, I guess I haven’t really stopped reading so much as took a month or so break from reading fantasy novels that really are a huge time investment.

It has been glorious.

I will be doing a book post soon so I will expound on those books then.

But needless to say, reading has been awesome. The authors are really stepping up their game.

However, this does cut into my sleep so I am tired. A lot. And this also does not help with the writing thing.

4) Stalked and overshared on Facebook.

Ok, that really isn’t any sort of new behavior. But it certainly has taken up a lot of my time.

5) Adulting.

Yes, yes. I have gotten a head start on my goals for 2017 and actually started to pay medical bills on time. (Seriously – this is the first time out of the four babies I have actually paid for the birth bills within six months of the baby appearing.)

I also submitted insurance claims and opened brokerage accounts and transferred money and added beneficiaries and made sure that if Hapa Papa and I were to both die that Sasquatch would get his fair share of our loot.

Priorities, people.

6) Avoided reading the newspaper.

Even though I have a digital subscription to the NYT and used to also read HuffPo religiously, I have completely stopped reading articles unless they are posted on Facebook.

I think I got burned out on the news during the election.

I know I should go back to reading because being informed during the Trump Presidency will be key to making sure our rights aren’t eroded and stolen out from under us.

But still. I needed a break.

7) Using my Instant Pot.

Okokokokok. I don’t want to overstate my actual usage. But I’ve used it 5-6 times since my friend came over and made me dinner so I consider it a win.

It doesn’t really take up that much time. I just wanted to brag.

8) Texting.

Again. Not a new thing. But I want to be honest.

Now that I list things out, I feel a little embarrassed. After all, you can’t call yourself a writer if you’re not writing.

(Although, really. Is it a constant state of writing that makes you a writer? Or you have to write a certain percentage of time? I mean, if you’re not actively seeing patients, you’re still a doctor, right? So how come you can only call yourself a writer if you write? Sorry. Tangent.)

Anyhow, this is just a pre-emptive pronouncement that there are BIG THINGS coming down the pipeline. And by BIG THINGS, I mean, just the usual. I just wanted to hype myself up to get excited about writing again.

Mostly, I just need to get back in the habit of writing and re-learning the fact that I can no longer dedicate huge swaths of time to writing (among other things) and need to figure out how to work productively in short spurts of time.

You know, be an actual grown up.

Alright. That’s it for today. What have you been up to during the holidays? Let me know in the comments.

I Can Still Be Surprised


Hello friends! Thank you so much for your patience and forebearance with my spotty posting these past few months. The last trimester with Baby4 was rough. I pretty much put myself on self-imposed bedrest because being physically upright was painful and hard and awful.

Thank goodness Hapa Papa has a flexible work schedule and job because otherwise, my children would have been orphaned. Or I would have been even more miserable.

But it was all worth it (already, the pain and discomfort and ooze of pregnancy are fading into my typical post-partum amnesia) because now, Baby4 aka Sasquatch is here!

I must confess, though. I thought since Sasquatch was my 4th child, I would be prepared for most things. Certainly I wouldn’t be surprised by anything, right?

Oh, how lovely it is to be wrong in only the most delightful of ways.

Here then, are a few of the ways I have been surprised by the arrival of baby number four. (Or as Hapa Papa occasionally calls him, “The New One.”)

1) All new babies are the same. 

No, I am serious. At first I just thought all my babies were the same. But then I realized that all babies are the same.

They all are squishy and lovable and new and have that smell! That glorious smell! And they all mewl and mutter and burble and snarfle and their sounds are perfect.

And they all scrunch up their faces and do moose hands and have funny expressions and get milk drunk (or formula drunk) and are fantastically new.

2) I never get sick of judgmental babies. 


Few things are as hilarious as angry nursing and angry babies. I mean, they are so dramatic. But I guess everything is new to them so yes, being hungry is the worst thing that has ever happened to them because hey! They have never been hungry before! Or wet. Or tired. Or hot. Or cold. Or out.

Everything is new.

3) It is possible to call a brand new baby the wrong name before they have even heard their actual name. 

I may or may not have called Sasquatch by Glow Worm’s name within seconds of holding him in my arms. And also, perhaps for the first 2-3 weeks of his life.

I am only finally now getting used to his name. Until very recently, when people asked me how Sasquatch was doing, I would be confused momentarily and go, “Who?” before I realized who they were talking about.

Yes. I know.

Worst mother ever.

To be fair, I do have a lot of children and he is brand new.

Thank goodness I am Chinese so when in doubt, I just call him 弟弟 (di4 di5/little brother).

4) Who knew that some of the best parts of having a new baby was watching your older kids fall in love?

Cookie Monster and Gamera were a little too young to process or understand what was going on when Glow Worm was born, but they certainly are old enough now.

They adore Sasquatch.

I wasn’t expecting just how much they would love him or want to be near him or hold him.

I mean, I wasn’t expecting them to be indifferent, I just wasn’t prepared for the outpouring of love and devotion.

Glow Worm isn’t in love with Sasquatch but he isn’t jealous, either. He has been surprisingly good about the whole thing (though I know he misses me).

5) I never realized I would be tandem breastfeeding. 

This is how I know Glow Worm misses me: he started nursing again.

That’s right. Glow Worm has decided to restart the boob.

He only nurses briefly when he wakes up and right before he goes to sleep. It doesn’t really bother me because I know it’s his way of claiming me and reassuring himself that he is still my baby. I find it rather sweet, actually.

But wow. I did not see it coming.

6) I am likely jinxing the whole thing but I am shocked at how easy things have been. 

I don’t know if it’s been easy for Hapa Papa since he’s the single father of three kids while I’m the single mother of a newborn, but I thought it would be more difficult.

Quite possibly, it is because we are both deaf to crying and screaming so it just doesn’t phase us – no matter who is doing the crying or screaming.

Don’t be too mad at us. Sasquatch is still new. I am sure he’ll knock our smugness out of the park with something soon.

7) As soon as I gave birth to a small sized turkey from my vagina (did I mention he was 9lbs 6oz?!?), my shitty mood for the last 39 weeks and 5 days disappeared. 

I guess being in constant pain and discomfort can really wear on a person.

Again, I really hope I’m not jinxing this, but I haven’t been in this good of a mood in a really long time. And trust me when I say that I am pretty tired still and feel overwhelmed on occasion but ultimately, STILL BETTER THAN BEING PREGNANT.

8) I missed Glow Worm the most during my time spent with Sasquatch. 

I am not sure why it doesn’t seem as if I am not spending less time with Cookie Monster or Gamera. Maybe it’s because they are older and better communicators. But whatever the reason, I miss Glow Worm the most.

Perhaps because he was the baby for three years and is still so small and cuddly and needy (though he sure doesn’t act like it). And perhaps because though he recently finally started talking (and talking a lot), he still babbles like a toddler and I feel as if we do not connect as much unless it’s us spending actual time together.

Whatever the reason, I am grateful for our cozying at night when Sasquatch is asleep and I can hug and kiss Glow Worm to my heart’s content (or at least until he’s had his fill of my affection, pushes me away, turns his back on me, and falls asleep).

Alright. This is probably all the coherent thought I can string together at one time. Mostly because I am starving and don’t want to get hangry.

See you Wednesday!