Suck It Up, October

How is October over?

This month has been super stretching for me – lots of sucking it up, so to speak. Which is good. It hasn’t been comfortable and I haven’t slept enough this last week or two so I’ve been super cranky.

But I’m glad.

Too often, the last quarter of a year seems like a lame duck period for me. I’m looking forward to next year, trying to plan ahead and gear up for it. The year isn’t over yet but I kinda want it to be over because NEW THINGS!! SO EXCITING! It is so tempting to just let the next few months slide and start over in the bright and shiny new year.

This year, I’m going to end my year of Sucking it Up with a BANG.

So, what was I up to this month? Here’s how I did on my goals:

1) Take family and personal health seriously.

What does that look like? I want to:

a) Cook at least 5 meals a week.

Still plugging along as usual. Next year, I may have to expand my repertoire because I think my kids are getting bored. They look forward to the weekends because then they don’t have to eat what I cook.

Jerks.

However, I did introduce Cookie Monster to the over medium egg with a dash of soy sauce on it and he LOVES them. Gamera has always liked fried eggs but it’s a new thing for him. It reminds me of my childhood and my parents frying eggs for us on the occasional lazy weekend morning so I’m really pleased he enjoys them.

b) Be active once a week.

I am still walking Glow Worm to and from preschool at least once a week so I WHOOO! IN YOUR FACE, INACTIVITY!

c) Wash face and brush teeth twice daily.

I’m still pretty good about washing my face in the morning and slathering on the sunscreen but I am like, 1 in 5 on washing my face at night. I don’t want to talk about brushing teeth anymore.

d) Take vitamins and supplements.

Again, I am good about remembering 1 in 4 days? The problem is that I will remember a few days in a row, then forget. Mostly because all the days run into each other and I think I have taken them when I haven’t. I really should be like those old people and lay out the pills in a pill box so I can tell if I have.

Ok. I just bought one (Amazon affiliate link). So ridiculous. So necessary.

e) Go to sleep when the kids sleep 4x a week.

I did okay on this. These last two weeks, I had a few writing deadlines so I stayed up really late several nights in a row and it wrecked me.

WRECKED.

I need to take my body seriously and become more efficient. Because I am no longer a young college co-ed. I’m a middle aged homeschooling SAHM of four.

f) No texting while driving.

FAIL FAIL FAIL. FAIL.

2) Take my responsibilities as a grown up seriously.

I FINALLY cleared out (well, not entirely, but mostly) my laundry room. It was getting ridiculous. We could no longer even access the laundry machines and it was a bit dangerous.

Now, I have to sort out the last remaining big bag of crap, but in general, it is no longer a safety hazard. WHOOOOO!

Before

After

3) Write.

I did really well on this again.

I finally finished a professional bio for a friend, wrote and submitted to a few sites, and several companies approached me to partner with them. I even pitched a few companies to partner with them.

So, when I say writing, I mean the BUSINESS of writing. And this month, I did a LOT on my business. I will have a separate, more involved post on this later, but in short, I hired Brandi Riley for her coaching services and she kicked my ass (and business) into a higher gear.

Because of her, I have already earned more in this month than I ever have, and have already recouped my cost of her coaching. Brandi is worth every penny and every minute and every second.

If you’re not sure about getting her one on one coaching and just want to check her out in action first, she runs a (affiliate link) Courage to Earn MORE Facebook group that has a few spots left for the months of November and December.

Brandi is the reason I am a few steps closer to my dreams of being internet famous.

Alright, that’s it for me this month. As usual, some there is an ebb and flow to my successes and failures. How did you do at the start of Q4?

Suck It Up, September

How is September over?

Every month, I am surprised that it’s time for this post. And every month, I’m astonished at just how mediocre I am at keeping up on the things I want to do (except the cooking part). Can you imagine how bad I would be if I didn’t make them a priority and keep track of it?

I guess that’s a lesson in and of itself.

Anyhow, without further ado, here’s what I wanted to work on this year:

1) Take family and personal health seriously.

What does that look like? I want to:

a) Cook at least 5 meals a week.

As always, I’m doing well in this. Not because I enjoy it, but because I know it costs an arm and a leg to eat out with all my tiny humans. My kids complain that they prefer the weekends when Hapa Papa prepares them boxed mac and cheese (they FINALLY like it!), nuggets, and frozen pizza. I don’t let them eat that during the week because I know Hapa Papa is stuck with the kids for large swathes of time and that’s what he knows how to make.

I still can’t believe that we used to eat that stuff almost every other day. And now, I make lunch and dinner almost every day and it’s reasonable tasty and nutritious. We do eat leftovers now, too because I have finally managed to make larger serving sizes. However, the kids also complain mightily about that, too.

Too bad, kiddos. If we have food leftover, you’re going to eat it.

Oh, wait. Just realized that we have more leftovers now because Hapa Papa brings me dinner from his work every week night. Ha! I guess I haven’t improved as much as I thought!

b) Be active once a week.

I have started walking Glow Worm to and from preschool at least once a week so I guess that’s technically being active. WHOOO!

c) Wash face and brush teeth twice daily.

Sigh. I am slipping. I’m pretty good about washing my face in the morning and slathering on the sunscreen, but I’m getting less and less consistent with washing my face at night. But this is a good reminder to do so again.

d) Take vitamins and supplements.

I have been slacking on this, too. Really, it’s because one of the supplements I take uses the casings that smell like prenatal vitamins and it’s AWFUL. It makes me want to barf and my hand smells like it for hours afterwards and it’s really awful.

The rest of the stuff is fine, but I just can’t get past the smell of the one that is disgusting.

But I am exhausted and not feeling energized so I know I need to take my supplements more often. Plus, HOLLOW BONES.

e) Go to sleep when the kids sleep 4x a week.

I did okay on this. What happens now is that I am really energized to write and do blog stuff or stay up reading, and that kills several nights in a row until I’m so exhausted that I collapse when I put Sasquatch to sleep.

So, meh.

f) No texting while driving.

Meh. I am better but not great. WHY IS IT SO HARD???

2) Take my responsibilities as a grown up seriously.

I’ve done okay on this. Although now that I think about it, I definitely could do better. I am behind on a few things.

My English books in my office.

HOWEVER, I did move the bookshelves from our closets into the new office and moved all my English books there. I also had Guavarama come and reorganize my Chinese book shelves now that Fleur brought over a lot of my books that she was storing for me as Bebe was making her way through them.

Plus, my kids destroyed some parts of our house and I called the handyman the same day and he came to fix it! And he’s the one who moved my shelves from the closets to the office and bolted them to the wall. I also finally remembered to add a window screen to the kids’ room.

My Chinese books finally sorted again! Fleur still has a bunch of my books but we left some space for them.

Oooh! And I finally bought better sheets and a duvet and duvet covers and washed them! Yay to no more microfiber sheets for the full bed because it traps heat and Gamera keeps getting headaches.

I also angry purged and the kids’ toys and finally lugged the 6+ garbage bags of clothes to the donation center. I even semi-sorted my kitchen table.

Hmmm. I guess I adulted more than I thought. WHOOOO!

3) Write.

I did really well on this again although I always wish for more time despite my not maximizing it. Plus, I got lots of ideas churning around in my head that I’m excited about.

Now, I just have to write even more.

Alright, that’s it for me this month. How are you doing on your resolutions? Is 2017 living up to what you thought it would be?

What Do I Really Want?

I know I say it a lot, but it bears repeating. How is time flying by so fast? And why does it always seem as if I am treading water and accomplishing nothing?

I know it’s not true. And yet, it always seems as if my ambition outpaces my willingness to work (and work hard). I could blame the children, but let’s be brutally honest. I highly doubt I would be busy working hard on my ambitions even if I were without family obligations.

I mean, seriously. What did I do before I had kids?

Nothing. A fat lot of nothing.

One could argue that it was the forced break from things that having children required that finally shook me out of my farce of being a financial advisor. And then, even a few more years of being a SAHM that made me really consider what I wanted to do.

Would I actually spend all day writing and hustling after paying gigs if I were unencumbered by my kids? Or would I do what I always did? Fritter away all this precious time with the usual suspects?

I have my money on me pissing away my time like I always did. Because although past performance does not always predict future performance, it’s a good indicator.

Is this what a mid-life crisis looks like? Albeit, a bland, milquetoast, non-explody kind that doesn’t detonate an H-bomb in the midst of my family life?

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not UN-happy. I am pretty OK with the way things are going.

But is that all we are made for? To be OK with things? To be floating along on the river of our life in an inner tube of contentedness?

Not that there is anything wrong with contentedness.

In fact, I thought I was content with my life until this moment. That is not true.

The absence of unhappiness is not the presence of happiness. And as I was about to write, “the absence of discontent is not the presence of contentedness,” I had to stop because I realized that I am discontent.

I have been discontent for a long time. Perhaps for always.

Discontent doesn’t mean that I’m not happy. I am often happy. I am even content with most areas of my life.

I AM MAKING NO SENSE.

I feel disintegrated. Scattered.

I have been going to my therapist for two years now. Maybe three? And yet it always seems to circle back with what Dr. T mentioned that first appointment. She thought I was in there to speak to her about my identity – and I laughed at her.

But it’s so true.

Who am I and what do I want? And once I figure that out, will I do what I can to get it?

I am afraid to want so many things.

I feel as if I just started going after what I want – and instead of being satisfied, it opened up a giant maw. A gaping mouth. A hole in my soul demanding to be fed.

More.

More.

Always, more.

That’s why Roxane Gay’s book, (affiliate link) Hunger: A Memoir of (My) Body, struck such a chord inside me. She hungered for so many things.

I hunger for so many things.

I feel greedy. Ungrateful.

I feel as if I am just like my father. Always grasping. Always lusting. Always leaving.

Always.

Always.

Always.

But that’s the lie, right?

That’s The Lie.

It’s okay to want things. It’s okay to pursue things. It’s okay to hunger. To want.

It is okay. And it is human.

It is in the how of things where it can go awry.

How do I fill this hunger? How do I fill these wants? And do I fill these wants? Or do I do what I always have and shove them down, deep down, burying them in the minutiae of daily life?

For me, I am choosing to be different than I have been.

I know.

I seem to be constantly choosing this. Constantly blogging about this.

It seems as if I will always be stuck.

Always.

I tell myself that changing directions in life is not a one and done.

It’s like changing directions in a large battleship cruiser at full speed. You can’t just make a sharp turn and then expect to be in a different direction. First, you have to decelerate to a safe speed and then turn, slowly, and then re-accelerate.

Making change in life is not just ONE decision to change your life. It is a constant series of small decisions. Seemingly insignificant decisions.

Do I go to sleep early or stay up late to work? If I stay up late to work, will I actually work or will I Facebook or watch TV or read or goof off? If I will actually waste time instead, am I okay with that or should I just go to sleep instead?

Do I stay at home and work or do I leave the house? If I stay at home, am I okay with my children constantly interrupting me? If I leave, am I okay with spending money or burning through the time with commuting? In all instances, am I going to actually work or am I going to procrastinate even more?

A million little choices.

Our dreams are made or broken from a million little choices.