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This morning is starting off with awesome. That is, if your idea of awesome includes Cookie Monster throwing things in anger when he doesn’t get his way (suggestions on how to deal with this welcome), Gamera peeing in her pants because I was dealing with Cookie Monster being a punk, then her throwing a tantrum because I didn’t have pink socks so SHE started throwing things like her big brother (thanks for that), and Glow Worm not going down for his morning nap. So yes, the day is starting off with a bang.

I am nearing my wit’s end with Cookie Monster though. If he doesn’t get his way and he is angry, he starts screaming and then he starts throwing things. He even started doing this at school, which is completely mortifying. Add in his lying and how Gamera is copying his every move so she is now throwing things and lying, I just am at a loss.

I’ve been trying to calmly tell Cookie Monster that he can be angry. (I recall my father not even allowing me to be angry, telling me that he knew what I was thinking and that I wasn’t allowed to think it – which really, is somewhat presumptuous and completely none of his business – especially since I was around eight.) However, he cannot throw things or hit people. Or even scream his brains out but let’s face it. Him not doing that would be a miracle. Then he has to pick up all the things he threw.

I’ve tried putting him in time outs but he now is very violent and refuses to stay put. I have to physically squash him against the wall and it is untenable over the long term. Locking him in his room or the garage is awful. He starts screaming and pounding or kicking the door and pulling on the handle. I feel like a child abuser.

My parents were super strict and I recall my father getting the 雞毛撣子(feather duster) and whipping me with it. I can still hear the thin stick whistling through the air right before it smacked me in the ass.

I have no problem with corporal punishment, but it always seems hypocritical to me to hit my kid for hitting. :/ Perhaps this makes me too liberal. Plus, after spanking or a slap on the hand, both kids seem to lose their tempers more easily and resort to hitting much more quickly. That is the part that annoys me more. It’s the opposite of what I want to happen!

Then, it plays into all these fears I have of my kids inheriting my terrible temper (not to mention, my father’s). It doesn’t help when my mother always says the kids get their temper from me whenever they have a tantrum. As if I am the only person to have a temper or get angry. Every one else in the family is a fucking saint, I guess.

When I get frustrated and don’t yell, sometimes I say, “Mommy is getting mad.” Then they both get worried and keep asking, “You mad, Mama? You happy?”

I really don’t want them to worry about my emotional state any more than general decency requires. I would hate that they live ever in fear of my anger or disappointment. Sigh.

Seriously. Since raising and caring for the kids is my main full time job, I really feel like I am failing quite an awful lot. Not that I have to be perfect, but I’d like to not constantly feel as if I’m treading water.

And for those people who would say it’s my own fault for having kids in the first place, first of all, thanks for that. Second, it’s not like I can return the kids so you really haven’t been very helpful except for lording over me with your superior prophylactic usage. Third, fuck off and go away now. Fourth, when you have children, I’ll be back to remind you and rub it in on the worst day.

Anyhow, sorry for the rant. Hapa Papa is out on vacation again and I am feeling sorry for myself. Thanks for listening. Also, I am open to useful advice. What has worked for your kids?