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Prior to having children, the only times I severely injured myself were when I tried to impress the boy I liked at the moment. I broke my arm my senior year in high school because I thought it’d be cool to jump up from my stairs and hang onto my second floor balcony only to fall unceremoniously onto the ground and break my right arm. He was not impressed. I did get a pity kiss on my wrist though, which had swollen to the size of a tennis ball.

My sophomore year at UCLA, I broke my foot because I thought I could jump over a couch but instead I slipped and broke my foot. I tried to brush it off by doing a series of cartwheels immediately after. This guy was a little worried, but when he saw that I was doing cartwheels, assumed I was ok. I knew I broke my foot because my body reacted the same way it did after I broke my arm. Total nausea and a dull, throbbing pain.

I have yet to break a bone in front of Hapa Papa. Whether that means I don’t try to impress him or I don’t really like him, only time will tell.

HOWEVER. Since I’ve had children, my body has become a wreck. So much so that Hapa Papa constantly asks me why my body is so broken. My fellow mommy friends. Am I the only one?

Here then, is a list of my maladies since birthing Cookie Monster:

1) General incontinence. I know this isn’t that rare, but I either have to brace myself or wear a pad when I have a bad cold because all that coughing and sneezing? PEE EVERYWHERE. One time, Cookie Monster saw me put on a pad and he asked what it was. I told him it was a small diaper. He looked at me and shook his head sadly, saying, “Too big, Mama. You’re too big.”

I know, son. I know. It makes me sad, too.

My friend tells me to do my Kegels but I feel like a dirty old man when I do them. She says she does them all the time. At traffic stops. Brushing her teeth. Doing random stuff around the house. She doesn’t leak pee when she laughs. But still, I can’t bring myself to do it.

2) Dislocated patella. One day, I was kneeling down to wipe Cookie Monster’s butt while he was on the potty. Next minute, I was sitting on the ground, screaming in pain, holding my knee. Thankfully, my knee cap popped back in, but it popped back out again later that day. The doctor recommended I not kneel so much. (TWSS!) That was a bit difficult while potty training a toddler and lugging around an infant Gamera.

3) Stress fracture in foot. Right before we were going to head down to Disneyland last year for Cookie Monster’s birthday, my right foot wouldn’t stop hurting. I finally went in and a stress fracture showed up on the X-ray. The doctor said I most likely got it from having back to back pregnancies and breastfeeding since my bones seemed super thin. I had to go back and check to see if it was the foot I broke in college. It wasn’t. Same bone, though.

Too bad I had given away my moon boot so I had to buy another one. 🙁 Who would’ve thought I’d need it again?

Then, earlier this year, my foot was hurting again. After a day or two in the moon boot, it got better, but GEEZ.

4) Two pulled muscles in my right rotator cuff. My latest injury. My right shoulder started hurting a few weeks ago and finally, one day, I raised my shoulder and it made a painful click and the pain was gone (momentarily). I think my shoulder had been slightly out of joint for the better part of two weeks. Since then, it’s slipped in and out and has limited my range of motion. The doctor said I pulled two of the muscles in my rotator cuff and now I have to take two Aleve twice a day for a month and do physical therapy 3x a week for a month. If that doesn’t make it better, they may have to consider other options. She said I most likely got it from lifting my kids or sleeping on it wrong.

WTH, body? It’s not like I can stop lifting my children. Nor can I stop sleeping.

I’m not including the pain I had for 18 months at my Cesarean section scar or the fact that I have to roll up my boobs like pantyhose in order to get them to fit into my bra. Nor am I including my stretch marks (at least the ones I can see) or the general poochiness of my belly from being stretched out three times. I consider those to be facts of life and pregnancy and I wouldn’t trade my children for the body I used to have.

Not that I would trade a single child to not pee in my pants, either. But you know, sometimes, dry underwear can sound incredibly appealing after a long day.

It’s funny how you think your body should just work and not break down but hey, entropy! It is surreal. It’s not like I’m a pitcher throwing 100+mph fastballs. I’m just doing stuff that I think my body should be able to do on a regular basis. I’m young. In reasonable shape. (I call it lumpy. It’s a valid shape!!) Please tell me I am not an anomaly!

Also, if I keep getting injured and have to have parts replaced, am I eventually going to become the Bionic Woman? That might be worth it.