I’m exhausted.

The thing of it is, I’m getting enough sleep. It’s that my 1.5 year old is going to wear me down. These last few weeks (it feels like months – maybe years), he’s gone from napping 2-3 hours to 45 minutes. He wakes up and gets out of bed and is super cranky and hungry and insufferable until bedtime.

Basically, this child is horrible and tantrumy starting at about 10:30am. That means on a given day, he’s only remotely tolerable from about 6am – 10:30am. Then, he’s just an angry baby until 6-7pm when he collapses into an angry, sweaty, sticky lump in bed. THEN, he might trick you and wake up an hour or two or maybe 5 later and come out and demand his mommy.

I’m going to cry.

[clickToTweet tweet=”My #love can reach forward and backward in time, long after I am gone from this world. #parenting #mortality” quote=”My love can reach forward and backward in time, long after I am gone from this world. ” theme=”style1″]

He has so many opinions. And he’s angry about so many of them.

Why won’t Mama give him Lindt chocolates whenever he wants? Why won’t Mama let him pull out all her hair and throw her expensive progressive glasses on the floor? Why won’t Mama listen when he scratches her chest and pinches and claws his way into her body to express his immense displeasure?

Why won’t Mama leave her boob in his mouth so that he can have a pacifier all night long?

WHY DOES MAMA LET THAT STRANGE MAN WHO HAS BEEN THERE HIS ENTIRE LIFE ANYWHERE NEAR HIM AT NIGHT?

I can’t remember if all my children were like this. I think they all stopped napping around 18 months. The middle two kids would still nap if we went for a car ride but in general, they would fll asleep in the weirdest places and positions. But never in bed. NEVER.

It must be so frustrating to be a child. To have such little control over your time, your desires, and most importantly, your bowels and bladder.

As sad as I am that Sasquatch is my last baby, I am also relieved. Relieved that this toddler phase will be the last. Relieved that someday, I can stop washing diapers and buying pullups. That someday, the only chubby sticky fingers will be in pictures (or until my children provide children of their own).

Aw, crap. Now I’m sad and wistful and teary-eyed because Sasquatch is my last baby.

I really can never be satisfied.

[clickToTweet tweet=”It must be so frustrating to be a child. To have such little control over your time, your desires, and most importantly, your bowels and bladder. #toddlerlife #parenting” quote=”It must be so frustrating to be a child. To have such little control over your time, your desires, and most importantly, your bowels and bladder.” theme=”style1″]

At least my older three kids are really good about playing with the baby and including him in their activities. They love him so much and are such good sports. Although, they are quick to complain that babies are hard and the older two kids want ZERO children because apparently, kids are a lot of work.

I see how much Sasquatch adores his older siblings. How much he copies everything they do – from what they’re doing to what they’re saying. It gives me hope for the future and a future for when I’m gone.

Yes, yes. It is a post written by me after all. It would not be normal if I did not immediately bring death into the picture.

[clickToTweet tweet=”WHY DOES MAMA LET THAT STRANGE MAN WHO HAS BEEN THERE MY ENTIRE LIFE ANYWHERE NEAR ME AT NIGHT? #thingsmytoddlerthinks #parenting #toddlerlife” quote=”WHY DOES MAMA LET THAT STRANGE MAN WHO HAS BEEN THERE HIS ENTIRE LIFE ANYWHERE NEAR HIM AT NIGHT?” theme=”style1″]

But it is my deep desire to see their love for each other grow, mature, and bind together for the rest of their lives. It saddens me to see parts of my family and my husband’s family be so disconnected from each other. I can only hope that these early years worm their way into their muscle memory and that the ensuing teen and young adult years don’t sever what is forming right now.

I hope that when my children are old and grey, that they look back on their childhood with longing and nostalgia. Through the hazy, yellow light of happiness.

I hope they remember our family through the lens of love and fondness. That my love can reach forward and backward in time, long after I am gone from this world.