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Whew, this has been a week! I keep saying that, but I think it’s good? I’m not quite sure how, yet, but I choose to believe that a lot of my internal upheaval is just establishing a baseline for my mental health, and until we figure that out, it will be scary and frustrating.
To be honest, my first week of adderall was great after the whole I CAN HEAR MY HEART BEATING terror. I got used to the dosage very quickly, and for the first time—perhaps ever—I could easily (and without issue) do tasks that used to require my extreme concentration and focus. In fact, it’s the first time in ten years of homeschooling that I dealt with reimbursements and receipts without getting confused, frustrated, or losing my temper.
I also got my j-hope tickets! And that process was also surprisingly easy and clear-headed. I didn’t get annoyed at my kids—I even sat with Kitsune’s wiggly self for hours without wanting to throw a tiny human out a window. All situations that I would have never been able to deal with prior to medication—so this is great.
I also edited the latest Brazn Azn podcast episodes without getting confused or frustrated, and I finally figured out how to create clips and videos to share on social media. We are slowly moving to a weekly publishing schedule for Brazn Azn and I’m a little worried we can keep the pace up, but here’s to challenging ourselves!
If you’re into discussing deconstructing evangelical Christianity, last week’s episode “Brazenly Anti-Evangelical” will be right up your alley. Even if you’re not, it might be informative and interesting to hear some stories about why Stella and I each left the church—and how our experiences are not at all unique.
Check it out and let me know what you think!
As with last week, you will find the following in today’s newsletter (feel free to skip to those parts):
- Personal note
- What brought me joy this week!
- What challenged me
- What else?
- Support and love our community
- Tell me more
Personal note
I’m still recovering from my bilateral salpingectomy, and honestly, I’m always surprised when my body isn’t getting better fast enough. Though the incisions have healed, I am still experiencing minor pain in my abdomen, and I don’t know if it’s normal or if it’s something to worry about. Plus, though I get super tired in the evening, I don’t know if it’s because of recovery or the adderall crash—and it’s cutting into my productivity since I used to do most of my work at night after Kitsune (2) has gone to bed.
I feel bad that all my newsletters lately have been about my physical and mental health, but that’s what’s been going on with me. I can’t manage to do much of anything else (sobsobsob), and I try to be transparent in my work.
Also, reading the news is just terrifying and I am constantly trying to figure out how to stay informed without traumatizing myself, my friends, and my family. My only real response is to stay masking, have my immediate family mask, and do what I can in my spheres of influence.
If you are looking for some great places to buy masks, here are two places I’ve bought from and trust. BeHealthy and HaloLife often run specials, and I buy them in bulk of 100 masks at a time in adult, kid, and toddler sizes.
What brought me joy
Today is j-hope from BTS’s birthday!! And last week, I snagged great tickets to see him at both LA concerts!! That’s my biggest joy of the week, and I’ll have to float on it until the end of March and early April when I can see him live!!
Right now, most of my joys are small in nature. A day without losing it at my kids. Getting to know a friend better (both new and old). Squeezing in a nap. Reading a delicious story. Listening to a song I love. Coming across a ridiculous meme.
It’s been a season of a lot of emotional upheaval, and though my tendency is to dissociate and bury my head in the sand, I know that what makes life worth living is connection. It is through connection that we will make it through these next four years. It is through connection that our hearts will change and orient toward compassion and justice.
How have you connected with folks this week? What brought you joy? I would be honored if you replied to this email and shared with me. <3
What challenged me
Oh, friends. While the week with adderall was great once my body got used to it, the weekend without it was horrible. Everything was so overwhelming, and I was just irrationally furious and ended the first day without adderall just sobbing and screaming and wanting to throw myself out a window.
I was so angry. Both at needing medication to be pleasant, and for knowing how I could be and then sheer grief of what I could have been and cannot get back.
I don’t know how to explain it better than that at the moment. I don’t know if I will ever be able to express it properly, but I just spiraled and despaired and could not stop weeping.
It was not great.
Sunday without adderall was markedly better, but I purposely just binge watched shows. I finished “The Recruit,” and boy, is that show all about white male mediocrity failing up!! I also got to screen “Legends of the Condor Heroes: the Gallants,” so look forward to that upcoming review in Mochi Magazine.
Anyhow, thank you for listening and holding space for me. I find it wild and humbling that so many people who I don’t know are willing to share both my joys and sorrows with me. I truly appreciate you. Please, feel free to use me in the same manner!
What else
I keep forgetting to tell folks how I was a guest on the award-nominated Books and Boba podcast! They focus on reading and discussing books by Asian writers, and I was on their December book club episode chatting about “Kim Jiyoung, Born 1982” by Cho Nam-Joo. The book was so infuriating, and I had to take so many breaks—but I completely understand why it galvanized South Korean feminists when it was published and pissed off so many people.
Also, THIS weekend, I’m going to be at a local book popup at Pier 23 in San Francisco on Sat 2/22 from 4-7pm! Please drop by! I’ll have copies of my books “Illusive” and “Weightless.” I love meeting people (yay, extroversion) and especially people who like me. (^_^)
Have you read my books? Did you like them? If so, please let me know!! (I love praise—but only over the internet. Praise in person is incredibly embarrassing for me. I know I’m not the only person who feels this way, am I right?)
Support and love our community
I know a lot of times, I post about folks who need money because, let’s be real: money is a very tangible asset that can solve a lot of people’s problems. However, this week, I want to post a few people I follow on social media because I really like them and their message. They don’t know me from Adam, and I don’t get anything from recommending them!
First up is Korean American hospital chaplain and grief author JS Park. I find his posts to be soothing, not because he doesn’t talk about hard things, but because he talks about grief in such a kind, compassionate, loving way. I aspire to be as kind as he is and to navigate life as full of grace as he does.
The other account I follow is Tiny Kindness, which is curated by white author Rachel Hunt. I don’t know much about her as a person, but I love the Tiny Kindness thread because again, in this world so full of overwhelming evil, so rife with hate and cruelty, this account highlights the small actions we can do to make a huge difference in people’s lives. People share with her stories of people doing tiny acts of kindness to them, and every time, I am moved and reminded that though this world is bleak and indifferent, there is goodness and kindness in the world, too.
Do you have accounts you follow that fill you with joy and hope? I would love to hear from you about them so I can also have these bits of joy in my social media timelines.
Tell me more
And finally, how have you been? How was your long weekend (if you’re in the US)? What music are you liking lately? What’s a great book I should check out? Please write back! I would love to hear from you.
May you have a week full of chaotic joy!
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