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School is starting on Wednesday, and I will have my three oldest children attending their local public schools. It both seems too fast and too far away.
Most people experience this when they send their kids to Kindergarten, or maybe preschool. But since I, in my infinite stupidity, decided to homeschool my kids until recently, this is a belated milestone for me!
I’m still homeschooling Sasquatch (8) for 3rd grade, and for now, plan to keep homeschooling him until he starts middle school. From the older kids, it feels like a good entry point for my kids, and I am still considering homeschooling Kitsune (2) even though I don’t actually enjoy homeschooling.
However, I do think because of homeschooling, my kids are a lot more responsible, self-directing, and independent than their peers. Plus, this is the only way I can cram as much Chinese into their brains as possible. (Also, Kitsune is my last baby. DO NOT TAKE HER AWAY FROM ME.)
As with last week, you will find the following in today’s newsletter (feel free to skip to those parts):
- Personal note
- What brought me joy this week!
- What challenged me
- What else?
- Support and love our community
- Tell me more
Personal note
Since my last newsletter, I have made more of an effort to cook dinner Mon-Thur, and then the kids always have chicken burgers on Fridays, and they’ll fend for themselves with leftovers over the weekend. I’ve also been trying to spend a little more time with them, so they seem to be happier overall.
I’m super cranky lately, and I don’t know if it’s because there are too many things in flux and I hate that—or if crankiness is my new personality trait.
Honestly, I don’t mind if curmudgeon is my new personality, although I suppose my children would argue that it has ALWAYS been a core part of me. WHAT DO THEY KNOW, ANYWAY?
What brought me joy
A few weeks ago, Kitsune got injured on our old kitchen chairs that are semi-falling apart, and when that same chair broke again when I sat in it, I was instantly hyperfixated with getting new kitchen chairs.
Friends, as much money as I spend on BTS, I am a cheapass Asian when it comes to buying furniture and toys. It is with great pleasure that I inform you, dear reader, that I bought 3 fantastic wood chairs for $15 and also got 2 cloth covered chairs (that are super comfy and only a little bit discolored) for free. That’s 5 kitchen chairs for $3 each, for those mathing at home.
The whole process took about 12 hours AND not only am I happy, Not Yoongi is happy, too. Who cares that the chairs don’t match each other or my previous set of chairs and benches? NOT US!!
In semi-related news (as in what made Not Yoongi happy), I finally logged into (ie: finally found and remembered) the kids’ 529 plans. When I told Not Yoongi the balance, he apparently, did not know I had set these up years ago and had not known they existed. So, from his perspective, he just found an extra bunch of money.
He’s ecstatic.
Had I known, I would have saved it up for a rainy day when I dropped a fortune on BTS 2026 concert tickets.
What challenged me
I truly cannot seem to get any writing done.
This is both not really a big deal and A REALLY BIG DEAL.
It’s not a big deal because I actually don’t need to write. All these writing deadlines are internal—excepting the Mochi ones. Even then, I am good enough friends with the staff that if I absolutely could not do something, they would cover me.
No one is saying I have to write a weekly newsletter. No one is telling me to finish this third book in the Her series. No one is telling me I have to do become a bestselling author. No one depends on me for income. No one is affected if I don’t keep up my daily Chaotic Joy summaries.
If I never wrote again, it would be fine. No one is banging at my door, begging to hear from me.
However, it is a really big deal because my identity is tied up in my writing, and if I’m a writer and I DO NOT WRITE, then WHAT THE FUCK AM I?
And also, it would make me so sad.
I love writing. I love creating characters and dialogue and giving my unsolicited opinions to friends and strangers on the internet.
I would feel so useless—so unmoored and alone.
Sometimes, I think it’s the only thing I’m good at—and it’s terribly upsetting to not be able to do the things I’m good at.
Anyhow, don’t mind me. I’m trying to avoid thinking about this writing asdlkf;jakdslfjasdjfksdj because then I’ll spiral and feel like a true useless lump who can’t do anything. It’s great.
A friend asked me if I was depressed, and I don’t know. I thought I wasn’t, but maybe it’s just because I TRY NEVER TO THINK OR STAY STILL LONG ENOUGH TO THINK ABOUT IT.
OR MAYBE, it’s just perimenopause and my brain chemistry is all over the place. In some ways, I feel like I’ve reverted to a teenaged or young adult version of me (minus all the insecurity and relationship and religious turmoil).
Living a life is surely too much responsibility. Like what in the what?? And who said it was okay for me to also be responsible for FIVE tiny humans? Like, worst idea ever!! I can’t even be responsible for my own life, WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING?
What else
I’m on Kaleidoscope Romance as a featured read for August, and they even included an interview with me! Kaleidoscope Romance is the online hub for writers Naomi Valkyrie, Sinister Styx, Nicole Vanth, and Savannah Storm (pen names). They also feature monthly books, spotlights, and book fairs for their readers.
Please click through on the links (even if you don’t read) and support them (and me). Also, if you like romance novels, check out some of their featured books to support indie authors!
I have some deadlines coming up so hopefully, you’ll see me post more articles and podcasts by the end of the month. I’m turning 47 in about two weeks, and I’m somewhat in my feelings about that, too.
Of course, I’m grateful for another year of life. My ancestors and family did not survive a bunch of shit just so I can be whiny about aging. Also, one of Not Yoongi’s fraternity brothers passed away this weekend, and he was my age.
I know I’m lucky to live to 47.
Plus, it’s a prime number, so that must mean good things, right?
It’s just, well, I’m closer to 50 than I am to 40. Even though I don’t think 50 is old, and people tell me that as much as I stopped giving a fuck in my 30s and 40s, the 50s are even more DGAF, IT REALLY SEEMS LIKE A PRETTY BIG NUMBER.
My mother became a grandmother when she was 56. If I become a grandmother at 56, I’ll be extremely upset. LOL. (But of course, that’s because my oldest is 15.)
Anyhow, too much math. Let’s focus instead on how my eldest and I have come to a compromise about learning Chinese (he was really adamant on not continuing). He’s agreed to a twice weekly tutor/conversational partner through Preply—especially if it focuses on business language because he finds that more useful and practical than reading Chinese novels or watching Chinese programs.
He’s a weird kid. I guess I should be happy he’s so pragmatic.
Also, I will be working with a Korean tutor through Preply, too. My first class is this Thursday, and I’m excited! I was clear that I really only want to be able to understand basic conversation because I want to hear BTS talk to me and get the gist without needing a translator as much. I also asked for a tutor who is fluent in Chinese because so much of Korean and Chinese vocabulary sounds similar, and I think it will be easier to learn in Chinese than English.
Anyhow, maybe both my Chinese and Korean will improve. (I can already read Korean since it’s phonetic, but I have no idea what I’m reading.) I know my Chinese already improved once I started getting into BTS—it’s counterintuitive but I swear, it did—so perhaps it will get even better through the tutoring.
Support and love our community
I know I usually have links to monetarily support folks, but today, I want to share some accounts that make me happy and I think will also make you happy. Though I personally think money is the most practical, I know that it’s not feasible for everyone to contribute monetarily—no matter how much we may wish to.
The only thing that might be as valuable (or more, depending on your perspective), is our attention. Sadly, the attention economy is what can drive the monetary economy, and it’s arguable less renewable than actual money! But, if you’re looking for a simple way to support folks, signing up for their newsletters, socials, podcasts, and channels is one way to do so!
So, if you haven’t yet, please check out the following accounts and consider subscribing!
- Aaronica Bell Cole: She’s an ATL-based plus-sized sewist, pattern designer, podcaster, business coach, and entrepreneur. Here is her YouTube channel if you’re interested in the kind of stuff she talks about. She even does live sewing sprints!
- Iris Chen: I know Iris through Progressive Asian American Christians, and also through the Asian American homeschooling community. You have probably heard of the educator and author of “Untigering.” I love her perspective about parenting, justice, and decolonization, so please check out her Instagram and newsletter if those topics are interesting to you.
- Kat Lieu: Kat is an author and award-winning food journalist and best-selling cookbook author. I love all her Asian-inspired baking, and even though I don’t bake, my kids do. So they really love her cookbook for Asian baking (there are mochi donuts!) and I have already pre-ordered her Asian cookie bookbook coming out in the fall.
I’m always interested in following awesome people online, so if you have suggestions—especially in the Asian, Black, Brown, Indigenous pockets, I would love to hear them!
Tell me more
Even though I’ve been grumpy and seeing most things through a grayed out filter, I also recognize that if this is as bad as it gets for me, THAT’S AMAZING. I can definitely live with this low grade aggravation.
As always, thank you for holding space for me each week—even when I am grumpy. I hope that you know that I am also available to listen to your mild kvetching, and that I wish you the support and care you deserve and require.
May you have a week full of chaotic joy!
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