Chaotic Joy

I Hope You Are Staying Safe

Reflecting on the LA fires, gathering mutual aid resources, and wrestling with deeper questions about luck, divine will, and finding joy amid devastation.

I lived in Los Angeles for almost a decade and Not Yoongi was born and raised there. Too many of our friends had to evacuate, and at least a few families I personally know have lost their homes. Everything I was going to write for this newsletter seems stupid with the fires as backdrop. While I’m grateful my friends and family in LA are safe for now, it’s still devastating. 

If you scroll down further, I’ll be including links to ways to help and provide mutual aid to the families affected.

My friend Lizz Porter (who I’ve known since junior high) survived the River Fire in 2021 and wrote a helpful article for people in the San Francisco Chronicle on what to do after you house burns down. If you know folks who could benefit from that info, please feel free to send it to them. It’s not behind a paywall.

As with last week, you will find the following in today’s newsletter (feel free to skip to those parts):

  1. Personal note
  2. What brought me joy this week!
  3. What challenged me
  4. What else?
  5. Support and love our community
  6. Tell me more

Personal note

I’m thinking a lot about the nature of the universe lately in terms of blessings and luck. It’s all inchoate in my head right now, and maybe one day, they’ll make sense enough to write down. So far, it’s just whisps of ideas like: if gods exist, does that negate the existence of luck? Wouldn’t the luck and coincidences just be blessings and the will of the gods? Also, would the converse be true? If there are gods, are people unlucky or have the gods cursed them? 

I think I far prefer the idea of luck versus the idea of gods being capricious. I really hate the idea that people who have bad things happen to them are targeted by the gods.

What do you think? Am I conflating luck with blessings? Oversimplifying the matter? Reply to the email and let me know. Like I said, my thoughts are ephemeral and without substance at the moment.

What brought me joy

One of my favorite things about the internet is when you meet people you suddenly click with. A fellow member of the Raising Bilingual Kids in Chinese and English Discord server (here’s the invitation) and I have hit it off this past week through our shared love of fan fiction! They’re in a completely different fandom, but we’ve had some amazing discussions about Asian representation and interpretation in fandoms for Asian people/creations that are not necessarily very Asian (at least in our part of the world). To clarify: what we stan is Asian, but our fandoms are global.  

One other small joy is listening to the “girl crush” genre of K-pop. “Girl crush” are girl groups that present as more empowered, rebellious, and badass. As much as I appreciate the right for “cutesy” girl groups to exist, I do not vibe with them. I’m really loving KISS OF LIFE and G(I)-DLE right now. I don’t know anything about them as people, but I really like their music. It’s the perfect background for me as I write Book 3 about rebellious and badass female singer Katie Wu.

What brought you joy in the midst of sadness and loss this week? I would love to celebrate with you—even if it’s a small joy like finding the perfect hack for turning protein shakes into yummy lattes.

What challenged me

The most challenging thing for me is how to have hope in the face of a world that seems utterly broken. Whether it’s systems (political, infrastructure, capitalism, religion) or the consequences of our collective action (climate change, war), it all seems so big. And to ask and beg for mercy seems both selfish, and ineffectual. From whom am I begging for mercy or justice? And why am I convinced this entity even cares—or is good by my definition of good?

I know it’s all esoteric and abstract and doesn’t really affect my day to day life, but at the same time, it does. When I see near-misses in my daily life of when my children could have gotten hurt really badly but were not (like today at the park when my toddler started toppling down a steep set of stairs into a hill full of boulders), I am grateful and afraid at the same time. I pray to a god I don’t believe in but still hope there is something bigger than me out there because how terrifying if there isn’t (and how terrifying if there is), and it brings me back to this newsletter and all my ramblings.

Has today’s newsletter thoroughly depressed you yet? Or confused you? Tell me I’m overthinking it or tell me how you deal with it. 

What else

I would tell you more but I think I’m sick of myself.  

Today, I’m sharing a snippet of Book 3 that I personally find hilarious. Your mileage may vary.. 

There was even a mild controversy when Scarab, a mid-tier K-hop rapper, called Woo-jin and Jae-sung “girls” for wearing makeup and dancing, saying that they were a scourge to hip-hop and had betrayed their roots. Though Woo-jin was initially incensed, his anger had quickly faded. He was surprised at how after three years, the same, tired insults no longer stung as much. Instead, he felt sorry for Scarab. It must be so hard to be so insecure and have life confirm these insecurities by withholding talent.

Woo-jin supposed finally making some money and DOYEN’s comparative success helped. 

Katie going on a Twitter-spree ripping the rapper to pieces helped even more. Woo-jin just laughed and laughed and laughed every time he thought of her calling Scarab “a bleating goat-face / empty carapace / fancies himself a pharaoh / when he’s really just a shit take / imagine a fungus / riding the dung bus / tries lambasting Lambent / but seals his own sarcophagus.”

She had written one in defense of Jae-sung, too, but Woo-jin couldn’t be bothered to remember that one. If Jae-sung also held her words precious, he held his own counsel much like Woo-jin held his. 

Somehow, Woo-jin made it to November. 

There are few things that make me happier than making up incredibly stupid stage names for my books, and if you check out my novels in the Her multiverse, you’ll get more than you ever wanted.

Support and love our community

As I mentioned before, the Altadena and Pacific Palisades fires have been utterly devastating. I know there are many people sharing links, and it can be very overwhelming. When you get a moment, I encourage you to donate if you have both the budget and bandwidth. I know there are other ways to help (like signal boosting and volunteering), so please do not feel obligated.

The first link I’m sharing is to a Google Sheet created by AfroPunk that is a directory of Black families displaced by the fires. The GoFundMes are listed and even color-coded so you can see who is close to meeting their fundraising goals, and who still needs assistance. 

The second link is created by my friend Michelle Villemaire whose home was almost burned down, but was mercifully spared. She’s created a GoFundMe to help workers who were employed in the Palisades but are now without jobs (eg: housecleaners, gardeners, caretakers).

If you were affected by the LA fires and need signal boosting, please let me know. None of us travels this world alone, and we would be nowhere without each other. 

Tell me more

And finally, how are you doing? Were you or your loved ones affected by the fires? How do you live your life in the midst of tragedy? I would love to hear your ideas and thoughts—no matter how nascent or well-formed.

May you have a week full of chaotic joy!

Author

Virginia Duan is the entertainment editor for "Mochi Magazine," a freelance writer, and an Asian American author who writes stories full of rage and grief with biting humor and glimpses of grace. She spends most of her days plotting her next book or article, shuttling her children about, participating in more group chats than humanly possible, and daydreaming about BTS a totally normal amount.

Comments are closed.