I WANT I WANT I WANT (and What a Relief We Are Together)

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Content Warning: light descriptions of suicidal ideation and going no contact with a parent

I’M ALIVE!!

It’s been three weeks, and I am hoping I’ve finally turned an emotional/mental corner. I am wondering if it’s because August and September are some significant anniversaries—and though I never used to think they mattered, I now think they do.

Though August is generally a month of celebration, it being both the birthday of my middle child Glow Worm (he turned 12!) and my birthday (I turned a glorious 47), it is also when we got official confirmation that the BTS Map of the Soul Tour was officially canceled in 2021. 

Now, before you dismiss me and think I’m joking, I am not. 

It’s significant to me—but not for the reason you think. You see, on the day I received the email about the tour cancelation, I had been stuck in a suicidal ideation spiral for three days that had stemmed from a minor disagreement between my husband and I about shelves. 

The announcement, immediately followed by me finally texting my husband about it, and him saying how sorry he was about the tour canceling—that small kindness from him—that knocked me out of a terribly dark three days. 

“I Was Afraid Of Losing My Kids If I Admitted I Was Suicidal” is a piece I wrote for Scary Mommy a few weeks later, and if you didn’t read it when it first came out, or even if you did, it details how the spiral came out of nowhere, and how terrified I was to ask for help.

It is one of my most vulnerable and raw posts I’ve ever written. Even reading it now, I feel the terror, shame, and grief roll through my body. I still feel on the verge of tears. 

The other upcoming anniversary is the one where I told my father fourteen years ago that he was dead to me. This is the anniversary that convinced me we hold dates in our bodies. 

Last year, I couldn’t understand why I was in such a terrible mood, how I felt so out of sorts, like something was wrong with me. A dear friend asked if it was near an anniversary, and I remembered how I went non-contact with my father a month before the birth of my second child Gamera (13). 

When I went to look up when I officially went non-contact, it turned out IT WAS THE EXACT SAME DATE. 

So, that feeling of being on the edge of tears, like I’ve swallowed a watermelon, heavy and bloated, that grief is reminding me of its presence. It is always in my body, but these are the days it chooses to be loud and unyielding. 

I plan to treat myself gently. And yes, gently means drinking water, taking my meds, and sleeping.

As with last week, you will find the following in today’s newsletter (feel free to skip to those parts):

1. Personal note
2. What brought me joy this week!
3. What challenged me
4. What else?
5. Support and love our community
6. Tell me more

Personal note

I think that entire open was way too personal, so I will exempt us from this round. 

What brought me joy

As I mentioned, it was my birthday, and just like every year, I started accepting birthday celebrations as soon as August hit. If you missed it, know that I am also, as is traditional and my right, celebrating all of Virgo season because the end of August means I also deserve part of September to give my friends and family enough time to adore me in the manner to which I am accustomed.

I ate AYCE hotpot, got a Korean scrub, and received many lovely messages of love and support from my people. 

Also, all this being present with my children—especially Kitsune (2)—has been surprisingly pleasant. I feel more connected, more nurturing, and though I feel like entire days are wasted, it also feels like my children appreciate me making the effort, and I appreciate them as people.

What challenged me

I realize that I’m focusing too much on some of my friends’ lives—not that they asked me to—I just have been because I want to feel helpful and worthwhile. Part of it is I get dopamine hits from being helpful that I don’t get from living my own life, and the other part is that I feel like I don’t like my life right now (even though there is every reason to love it) and I don’t want to look too closely at it.

I am not too sure what exactly is the problem, but I think it’s back to how I feel like a total failure at life. I’m still not done writing my third novel—and it’s only getting more difficult because I would rather be a more present mother and I REALLY SOMETIMES WISH I CARED LESS ABOUT TRAUMATIZING MY CHILDREN BECAUSE IT’S REALLY INCONVENIENT. 

(This is a joke, but also, it’s true. They can be true at the same time.)

Anyhow, I’m trying to figure it out. 

What else 

We released a new episode of Brazn Azn featuring an interview with Kaila Yu. She just published a memoir called “Fetishized: A Reckoning with Yellow Fever, Feminism, and Beauty.” You can listen to the podcast on YouTube, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts. 

Also, while I was naked and spatchcocked at the Korean spa with my two besties also in the same ignoble positions while ahjummas scrubbed off our gray skin cells, my brain wondered how to pray now that I don’t believe in god. 

I don’t know if this happens to you, but every time I pray, I make all sorts of caveats in my mind because I don’t believe in the Christian god anymore, and I don’t know if I think the Universe is listening, and even if it were, if it cares about what I want. Even more than that, I wonder if we would even have the same value system—so every time I want to pray and start, I go through a fifteen minute existential crisis about the nature of god and its existence and whether prayer is just a waste of time.

But that morning, I suddenly wondered: What if I just declared I WANT instead of begging PLEASE GIVE?

Asking for something tempers the ask because it depends on who gives. But I WANT is me being honest. It is me actively wanting and stating my desires instead of asking and dependent on some nebulous (and most likely nonexistent) something. 

I could not stop the litany of I WANTs.

And if it’s something within my control, how long will I say I WANT something until I realize I am sick of wanting and do something about it or say I don’t actually want it?

I WANT is vulnerable. I WANT is scary. I WANT is active. 

I WANT I WANT I WANT.

I WANT so much that I feel greedy, ungrateful, and shameful. 

AND STILL, I WANT.

What do you want?

Support and love our community

Sometimes, I feel like Bernie Sanders, like I’m constantly stumping for monetary support. And that’s because I am. I know this is such an economically fraught time, and I truly appreciate and am grateful for all the ways you have supported my friends. 

I am once again asking for your support. I keep posting some friends repeatedly because this is one of the ways I feel less helpless. Will it work? I don’t know! But I know that closed mouths don’t get fed, and I also know that folks will do what they want. I am merely providing people an opportunity to give.

Also, I know that this world is shit to the poor—and when folks are vulnerable, any tiny setback is devastating, and it all compounds until the burden is so great, it seems impossible to get out from under. It’s tempting to want fast results, to wonder why things aren’t fixed faster, like it’s been years. 

And then I remember, the system is set against the most vulnerable, and punishing fees, stringent qualifications, and treating people like criminals just because they are hungry and desperate is par for course. 

Poverty is not moral failure. Poverty is not god’s judgment. (And also, fuck any god who punishes people for existing.) It should not be a crime to be poor. 

It is not a crime to be poor.

So, if you have the means and can give, I would super appreciate any support you can show for my friend’s GoFundMe. She is taking care of two elderly parents and her disabled younger brother. Things are looking up slightly, but they are still experiencing setback after setback. 

Sometimes, she feels like giving up, and I get it. She’s tired. She’s exhausted. She’s overwhelmed. But she will survive. She will thrive—even if it’s out of spite. 

Tell me more

Thank you for reading. Truly, I am grateful for your presence in my life. 

On days that seem too hard, I think of a poem SUGA from BTS wrote about his fears and am comforted. 

What A Relief

Already five years since debut
Simply youth with many dreams –
we who had nothing now have much,
we who only dreamed have now become someone’s dream

Life is a repetition of choices and regrets
I too am scared, and we too, are scared
Though we dreamt of a high sky, it is high here, and cold, and so hard to breathe
It is true that the more light that burns upon us, the more shadows appear

What a relief, that we are seven
What a relief, that we are together

– Min Yoongi, translation by Wisha

This world may be shit but what a relief we are together. What a relief we have each other. What a relief we have spite when we do not have hope.

May you have a week full of chaotic joy!