My 13-year-old Called Me Out, and She Wasn’t Wrong

I don’t think I’m doing too great, friends. It’s nothing to worry about. I’m not even going through what constitutes as a hard time. Nothing terrible is happening. Life it just chugging along.

Part of the reason is that I’m just actively choosing not to think about things too deeply, because otherwise, I will spiral and it’s just so much harder to pull myself out of a bad thing than to just NOT THINK ABOUT IT AT ALL except in the most surface of levels and to approach it sideways. 

After all, who cares about whys when there is shit to do and fix. (More in the personal notes.)

As with last week, you will find the following in today’s newsletter (feel free to skip to those parts):

1. Personal note
2. What brought me joy this week!
3. What challenged me
4. What else?
5. Support and love our community
6. Tell me more

Personal note

Last night, Gamera (13) and I had a really hard conversation where she basically said she felt like she and the others were being Kitsune’s (2) parent, cooking all the time, and that she didn’t know me because I didn’t spend any time with them. 

So that’s great.

Then she apologized about saying anything, and I told her to stop apologizing. She said it, she needs to own it. Women—especially Asian women—are forced to apologize all the time. And for what? What would she be sorry for anyway?

She didn’t know. 

So I said her perspective and mine could all exist at the same time, and it doesn’t invalidate her experience or feelings. But for fuck’s sake, do not apologize. She didn’t do anything wrong. Her feelings don’t mean that my perspective is also wrong. 

How I feel about it is not her problem.

Gamera and the others didn’t want to complain because the last time they complained, I stopped cooking for two years. She also said that I always brag about them knowing how to do all these things, but she’s tired.

And, you know what? I get it. I’m tired, too.

Here’s the thing: I started doing laundry for my parents, cooking, doing the dishes, taking out the trash, and regular household chores by the time I was nine and I did NOT really share these with my brother because he was so much younger than me. 

Gamera even said, she knew I hated noise, and that I truly can’t stand it. But then, why did I have 5 kids when I hate noise? Kids are noisy?

And I didn’t have a way to answer without it seeming like I regret having children. Because I love them, and I am glad they exist. Now that they exist, I don’t want them to NOT exist.

And also: Maybe I didn’t know I hated noise until I had kids. Maybe I didn’t know how noisy people could be until I had so many. 

MAYBE I DIDN’T KNOW HOW HARD A 5TH KID WOULD BE IN MY 40S.

Choices were made, AND MAYBE THEY WERE BAD CHOICES.

What brought me joy

Sorry for the whiplash, but welp. 

I finished the remaining episodes of “The Sandman” on Netflix, and on the whole, I enjoyed the series more than I enjoyed the graphic novels. Very well done!

I’ve been nonstop streaming the new Jackson Wang album “Magic Man 2” and the new TXT album “The Star Chapter: TOGETHER.” They’re very different, but I fuck with them both a lot. Highly recommend.

Also, I finished—as in INHALED—“Sublimation” by Isabel J. Kim. 

The novel is fucking fantastic. Elite storytelling!! Kim’s writing is stellar. Her world is so so real and smart. 

Truly, it’s utterly stunning. I want all the stories in this world. All the fanfiction. All the canonical stories. All the spinoffs. All the official optioned episodes.

The novel is out June 2026 so you’ll have to wait until then, but it’s TOTALLY WORTH THE WAIT.

The coolest thing is that the author liked my raved rantings on BlueSky and followed me and now we’re moots and follow me on BlueSky!

What challenged me

What do I do? (Yes, we’re back on the topic of what to do with my kids.)

Part of me is baffled: like I never spent time with my parents. Not Yoongi is the weirdo, spending all his free time with the children. 

It never even occurred to me to spend “quality” time with my parents. Granted, we all ate dinner together, and we don’t do that, but still. I spent SO MUCH TIME WITH MY CHILDREN, they just don’t remember.

Does it count if they were too small to remember? Part of me resents this. Like it’s not my fault (nor theirs) that I spent all this time with them, and it’s just POOF! GONE! But now that I’m exhausted and tired and just some deflated plastic bag of a person, my husband hangs out with them and they remember?

I should be grateful for this head’s up, this chance to make things better. I should figure out how to make my kids feel less used and change my behavior. 

I should want to do this, right? I don’t want my kids to feel like I don’t like them or don’t want to be around them. 

I can do it for people who are not my children because there is no expectation that I have to be there for folks EVERY MOMENT OF THE DAY.

AND ALSO I JUST WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE. (Which, given the way things are going, my kids will all love Not Yoongi and I’ll be old and alone and baffled. YAY ME.)

For now, I can spend time downstairs in the morning before school, and in the afternoon, after school. And I guess cook more and be around them for a bit until 5:30pm or 6pm hits, and then I can peace out and hide. 

I feel like a terrible person. 

Have you been in this situation? And what did you do?

What else 

I’m spent, friends. Nothing else today.

Support and love our community

Today, I’d like to highlight the group Speak Up for the Poor. According to their site, their mission is to “create a new reality for girls in poverty” in three main ways: 

• Education: sponsor girls in poverty to stay in school and finish their education and get professional training
• Homes: fund safe homes for girls who are born into brothels, rescued from trafficking, or otherwise at risk of exploitation and abuse
• Justice: investigate human rights abuses—especially cases of violence and abuse against girls in poverty

I first learned of this organization from my friend David Palmer, who is the Director of Development for Speak Up for the Poor. I had even interviewed him for an hour years ago, planning to write an article about it, but I never got around to it. 

I know there are so many worthy projects, and often, it feels like a never ending parade of folks who have big needs. But if this group’s work speaks to you in any way, please consider donating to or sharing about their work.

Tell me more

How are you doing? I truly appreciate all the folks who reach out to me during the week and check in on me, as well as share hard and vulnerable things for them. I hope you’re getting the support you need. 

May you have a week full of chaotic joy!