Brain Rattles


Folks, I know that the reason I’m tired is because I have a four month old as well as make poor sleeping choices. Them’s the breaks, right?

However, a sleepy, tired brain does not make for coherent pieces that document and logicize bilingual education or any of the things that I want to talk about but require a lot of brain power.

So then, here is another one of my mental flotsam posts wherein I ramble and subject you, Dear Reader, to the odd, amusing, and terribly banal things rattling around in my noggin.

1) I really, really, really, really, really hate Hapa Papa’s new job. I mean, I am grateful he has a well-paying job. I am grateful he has friends who want to recommend him to awesome positions. I am grateful he gets to try new things.

But I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY HATE HIS NEW JOB.

He is gone a LOT and I am TIRED and the kids miss him and oddly enough, I miss him, too.

That is all.

2) Sasquatch is delicious.

His fatty meat sleeves are a delight to squish. I love him grabbing onto my fingers, my hair, my shirt, my face (via my mouth, naturally), and whatever else.

Plus, his crooked grin whenever he sees me melts my cold, dark heart.

3) Sasquatch’s skin has decided to declare war. All my kids have had some form of eczema on their face around this age – and none as insanely horrible as poor Glow Worm.

But seriously, his poor face. His entire left cheek was an open, weeping sore. Makes me so sad.

This time around, I did not wait and try a ton of natural remedies. I gave him about max a week on essential oils and then said FUCK THIS and took him to the doctor.

It was getting better until it got worse.

So I took him back and got him oral antibiotics. It seemed to be helping. Until it got worse again.

Then, we went back AGAIN and got a stronger steroid, and I used a different cream as well as bought new eczema gloves and softer/lighter muslin swaddling blankets so he didn’t scratch his face off.

It is only recently that his face is no longer an open, weeping wound. He finally has whole skin without breaks and cracks.

We also went to an allergist and found out he’s allergic to milk so I am not consuming dairy. This makes me sad, too. But better me without dairy than Sasquatch with horrible eczema.

Intellectually, I know that Sasquatch’s eczema is not a judgment on me as a parent. But truthfully, every time I saw his poor little face, I felt like an abject failure.

My job as his mother is to keep him safe and healthy and yet his face was bloody and raw and sad.

Only now that his face has healed mostly (still red, but I’ll take that!) that I feel as if a burden has been lifted and I’m not frantically buying desperate things off Amazon and Googling eczema remedies at 2am.

4) At least I got back into reading again. That makes me happy.

5) Dr. T and my friends keep suggesting I get a mother’s helper, but honestly, I have no idea what I would do with one. I don’t have any problems with letting laundry sit unfolded, or not cleaning the bathroom all the time, and cooking now that I have the Instant Pot is not a problem.

After MANY sessions of debating this with Dr. T and my friends, I realized that I just miss Hapa Papa.

Oh, and I like to complain.

6) I never thought I would actually crave silence.

It turns out that I am getting more introverted as I have more children. And that’s because even though I am very extroverty, a lot of my extrovertiness is required throughout the day, and quite frankly, even extroverts need silence.

Silence is difficult to come by in my house.

7) Now that I cook all the time, it’s weird when I do go out to eat. The food actually tastes weird to me. I don’t let that stop me from eating it though.

8) Every now and then, it hits me anew: Sasquatch is my last baby.

This fills me with such sadness because truly, I love babies. I LOVE BABIES. They are fat, squishy, and simple. Dare I say, easy?

So, I’m glad I remember every now and then that he is the last one because it allows me to actively be present and sniff and slobber all over his smiley, happy face.

Ok. Now I’ve made myself sad again.

9) I’m tired. I’m really really really tired.

I’m glad that occasionally, I can tell my older three to iPad or whatever and then go upstairs to nap with the baby.

10) I have now reached the LOSING ALL MY HAIR part of post-pregnancy. It is demoralizing. Pregnancy and child-rearing is not for the faint of heart.

Ok. I think that is the most my brain can handle today for stringing together sentences. Hopefully, this will trick my brain into writing more.