I have a confession to make.
Recently, I got bit by the Jealousy Bug when I heard from a friend that she got to work with a company that I have long wanted to work with. When she told me about the partnership, I immediately wondered why this company hadn’t offered me this same deal.
I mean, I send this company thousands of hits every year! What made HER so special?
Now, had this been in my twenties, I likely would have stewed over this for days – perhaps even months and years. I would have conjured up all the ways I was better than my friend, more deserving, more awesome, more whatever. And of course, that company was stupid and foolish and BLIND and TOTALLY MISTAKEN for not working with me.
But mercifully, I am no longer in my twenties.
And as such, I promptly snapped myself out of my self-pity spiral by telling myself that my friend got that partnership because she asked.
I had been too afraid to ask.
In fact, I have been too afraid to ask MANY companies I want to work with. I have been sitting on these pitches to companies for 2-3 YEARS.
So, who is to say that if I had asked, this said company wouldn’t have be happy to work with me, too?
So really, I had no one to blame for it but myself.
But instead of blame, I chose to frame the news as encouragement.
After all, if this company is willing to work with my friend, then why wouldn’t they want to work with me? This means they are open to working with bloggers! And now I can even point to her as a precedent!
She has, in reality, made my life easier.
I genuinely congratulated her and wished her great success. Then, I fell back asleep, brain churning with ways I could be bold and ask companies when I woke up.
And you know what? I did.
I woke up, decided that I would finally suck it up and put on my big girl panties and EMAILED THESE COMPANIES.
Then, I texted my friend and told her all about how I had been feeling jealous and proceeded to thank her for her boldness and her courage and how her actions made me feel as if I could be bold and courageous.
And what happened with these companies? I got a phone call scheduled for a Saturday morning. It didn’t turn out exactly as I had hoped, but it was good practice. Then I moved on and asked another company and then another and another.
Each time, it has been less painful and scary.
I know I have written about jealousy in the past and how Cosmopolitan magazine (yes, the fashion mag) gave me advice that changed my life. You can read the previous article for more examples of my jealousies (they were LEGION).
For today, I will be using the scenario I just detailed.
So, how can you use your jealousy to make lasting life change?
1) Identify the source of your jealousy.
I know. Duh. But like all journeys, you need a destination before you can start.
Is what you’re jealous about a quality or skill the person has? A physical object they own? A situation they are in? A job they have? Style? Fashion? Abilities? Opportunities?
Example: In this situation, I was jealous of my friend’s partnership with a company I had wanted to work with.
Once I named and reframed what I coveted, it was easier to deal with as a possible goal rather than the uncomfortable and painful feelings of jealousy (and guilt).
2) Is the source of your jealousy attainable? If yes, find out how to get it.
I mean, if you’re jealous of someone because they are an NBA star and you’re a middle aged woman of short stature and zero basketball skills, then, perhaps that is not going to happen.
But I want you to think about it even deeper.
Are you jealous of the fact that they’re playing in the NBA? Or is it their basketball skills? Or their sport endorsements? Or their twitter game? Or their lifestyle?
Short of actually playing in the NBA, (and even that, you could be missing the camaraderie of playing on a team), a lot of these things are attainable.
You could improve your basketball skills. You could partner with companies. You could be a better tweeter. You could make enough money to support the lifestyle.
Example: Here, I was obviously jealous of her partnership with the company. And mercifully, it was absolutely attainable for myself (or something similar) if I just reached out to the company.
3) If it is possible to get whatever you’re jealous of, are you willing to do the work to get it?
I’m going to be real here.
Nothing you’re jealous of will happen without making changes in your life. After all, if you didn’t have to do anything to have something, you probably would already have it.
So, yes. You will have to do work. Sometimes, the work is minimal. Sometimes, the effort is enjoyable. But sometimes, it is not. Or sometimes, it is really hard.
Once you find out what it takes, you have to decide whether or not it is worth it to you to go after what you want. If yes, then do it. If not, then accept that and let the jealousy go.
Example: I was willing to reach out to the company (and other companies) to pursue possible partnerships. It was uncomfortable and nerve wracking but I did it. (Incidentally, if you want to learn how to pitch, I highly recommend Brandi Riley’s pitch bundle.)
4) Pursue what you want. Or let it go.
I know. I just talked about it as part of the previous point. But it bears repeating.
Look. Whatever you choose, you win.
If you decide to pursue what you want and then actually pursue and then obtain it, you got what you wanted! Or if you start to pursue it and decide you don’t want it after all (or realized from the get go that it wasn’t for you), that’s also great! Now you’re free to chase the things you actually want.
And what if you try but fail? Well, you can either keep trying or adjust. There is no shame in that. Either way, you either can look back and know that you have no regrets and what ifs, or you gave it a shot and with experience, you made a more informed decision.
Look. I know it’s super woowoo and cheesy, but it’s a much better way to live. Use your jealous feelings as signposts and hints for what you want in life – and then as spurs to get what you want.
Oh, and if you’re curious about who I was jealous of, I’ll tell you. I mean, if you go to Chalk Academy’s site, it’s obvious why. Betty has a totally Pinterestable site!! All her photos are gorgeous and clickable. Her posts are clear, helpful, and useful. Her crafts are fun, easy, and creative. Her kids are adorable and clever.
On top of that, her site helps your kids learn to read and speak Chinese in low key, easy ways – even if you’re not a native speaker.
I WANT TO BE HER. I WANT MY BLOG TO LOOK LIKE HER BLOG.
How sad if I let my jealousy erode our friendship and cause division? How small and fearful my life would be. How much fuller and richer my life is with Betty in it! And how much better would my blog be if I took the elements I love about Chalk Academy and applied it to my site?
Come. Be brave with me. We have only our petty fears and jealousies to lose and a whole world to gain.
Love this! You are doing great. Keep asking!
Hahah you did end up writing this!! You will always be #bloggoals to me lol. I hope to be able to keep up with writing over the years and share great advice like you! It’s what’s inside (the blog) that really counts! And I really don’t know what I would do without all advice from your posts and your book. For certain, there would be no Chalk Academy without Mandarin Mama! <3
You are too kind and gracious! I look forward to seeing all the awesome things you will be doing in the future! To us! Lol.
This is a great post — thanks for sharing this! I needed to read it. 🙂
Thanks so much! I hope it is helpful for the new year. 🙂
I wish I could like this post time a 100!!!! I agree 110% — Thanks for writing this.
Thank you! And thx for reading and commenting!
It’s always great to step out of your comfort zone and ask! The worst they can say is no, and that doesn’t hurt too much ????
This post really speaks to me. 2018 is going to be life changing to me too. I am totally stepping out of my comfort zone more and going to pitch pitch pitch! I too get the jealous bug.
Yes! Pitch pitch pitch! We’re gonna be awesome!
I so needed to read this. I find myself in a similar position often!!!
Thanks for reading and commenting! It is somehow reassuring that a big blogger such as yourself that I look up to also feels this way! Lol. Here’s to 2018 being more of us going after what we want!
This is really great advice. I think so many of us get caught up in the jealousy rather than doing what we need to in order to have the same things.
Totally! Likely because it is hard to make changes in our lives. Lol.