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The Temptation of an Open Door

Friends, I have not been in a good place.

I have been tempted to open the front door, walk out of it, and then just keep walking.

Except that I actually was abandoned by my father so I thought I would be better than this.

[socialpug_tweet tweet=”So many of my awesome women friends seem to be adrift, seething, angry, sad, and lonely. It’s especially infuriating because we have such good, comfortable lives full of people we love and want. #motherhoodunfiltered #momlife ” display_tweet=”So many of my awesome women friends seem to be adrift, seething, angry, sad, and lonely. It’s especially infuriating because we have such good, comfortable lives full of people we love and want.”]

I don’t even feel love for my children. I mean, I LOVE MY CHILDREN, but I don’t feel it. It’s as if all my deep, terrifying love for my kids is buried under 8.3 billion pounds of resentment, suffocating under the bewilderment that this is now my life.

How is this my life?

I mean, I know how this is my life. But why did I make such poor life choices to bring me to this place?

And the irony is, all these ill-advised life decisions are the things that I purposely chose to bring my life joy and fulfillment: having four children, homeschooling, and emphasizing Chinese.

I HAVE NO ONE TO BLAME EXCEPT MYSELF.

[socialpug_tweet tweet=”I have been tempted to open the front door, walk out of it, and then just keep walking. #parenting #momlife #asianmom #parentingishard” display_tweet=”I have been tempted to open the front door, walk out of it, and then just keep walking.”]

I know I’m not alone.

Somehow, that’s even more depressing.

So many of my awesome women friends seem to be adrift, seething, angry, sad, and lonely. It’s especially infuriating because we have such good, comfortable lives full of people we love and want.

And yet.

AND YET.

It is not enough.

It is not enough.

It is not enough.

I have everything that I thought I would want and it is not enough.

It is never enough.

Author

Virginia Duan is the entertainment editor for "Mochi Magazine," a freelance writer, and an Asian American author who writes stories full of rage and grief with biting humor and glimpses of grace. She spends most of her days plotting her next book or article, shuttling her children about, participating in more group chats than humanly possible, and daydreaming about BTS a totally normal amount.

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