You guuuuuuyyyyyyyssss! Why is it so cold??
Yes, yes, yes. So many of you live in actual cold climes. Don’t @ me.
But I truly believe this cold weather is keeping me from greatness. Only because it makes me want to stay in bed and think happy, BTS thoughts or consume happy, BTS contents.
Hmmm… Maybe it’s my BTS obsession that is the problem and not the weather.
But honestly, I’m scared. In the back of my mind, I keep thinking that at the beginning of last year, I was all happy and optimistic and gungho about all my new writing opportunities and how I was going to make 2018 so epic but instead, it went up in flames and I burned out spectacularly and I wanted to crawl in a hole with wifi and disappear for a decade or two.I am talking in circles. I am putting the cart before the horse. I am overthinking. I am afraid. I am making excuses.
However, after reading My Official Throat Clearing Post of 2018, it comforts me that I was also feeling apprehensive and afraid at this time last year. Comforting because I did it scared and despite the kablooey that was my life, 2018 turned out fine in the end.
Part of the reason I’m lowkey freaking out is that though I tell myself that this year, my word of the year is Consistency and that I don’t have any grandiose plans or goals and I just want to plod (I originally typed, “plud” and though it’s not a word, I kinda want to make it a word) along all slow and steady, the REAL REASON I want to plod along slow and steadily is because that is the only thing I can really control on the way to greatness.
After all, greatness is just a perfect storm of talent, hard work, and timing/luck. You can’t really control talent or timing/luck so really, hard work is the way to do go about it so that you’re ready for greatness when the timing occurs.
Thus, even though I said I’m not planning for greatness, I really am.
And so, I am back to being afraid to want to be amazing. I’m afraid to want to shoot for an epic 2019 because what if I don’t get it? What if I burn out on the way to it again? What if all I get is regular 2019 and all I have to show for it is plodding along all regular-like?
This is why I have left so many blank spaces in my 2019 goals.
I am afraid of what I actually want to put into the blank spaces. Which is so strange to me because you’d think that the lessons I learned from 2018 and the years prior was that even though I didn’t achieve everything I set out to do, because I had those goals and went for it, I still achieved more than I would have had I not set out any goals.
I am talking in circles.
I am putting the cart before the horse.
I am overthinking.
I am afraid.
I am making excuses.
I want 2019 to be epic. (There, I said it.)
I want to transform myself into a person who can do hard things because I have the will, tenacity, and heart to be disciplined and consistent.
I want to be a person who actively wants things. A person who actively anticipates goodness and abundance. A person who actively pursues what she wants.It is vulnerable to want. It is humbling to want. It is okay to want. I want.
I want to write My 2019 Year in Review and be astounded by all the things I said I would do and did. I want to start 2020 with My Official Throat Clearing Post of 2020 and be less afraid.
I want to burn bright but not out.
I want to shine.
It is vulnerable to want. It is humbling to want. It is okay to want.
I want so many things. I want to be brave enough to want and to chase after these wants.
Will you want with me?