I’ve started and stopped this post at least 20 times already and it’s not because it’s deep or moving and hard to write. It’s because I’ve been trying to force a form upon my disparate thoughts and tie a pretty bow on top but it’s not that kind of post.
But then – THEN I REMEMBERED – I have a category for this type of post. And I haven’t written any of my Mental Flotsam posts in a long while and why not now?
So, be warned. There is no unifying through line or brilliance EXCEPT THAT IT IS FROM MY MIND.
Here then are the thoughts that have been bouncing around my head for awhile but for some reason, have not been loosed upon Facebook or Twitter or any other social media.
1) I pretty much only use Twitter to like BTS related content. I’m not ashamed.
3) The more I spend time online, the more I speak like a permanent internet meme.
4) I have become an old Chinese lady who lunches.
My fashion sense is bewildering, I wear expensive jewelry and shoes combined with $20 dresses and 10 year old Costco underwear, and my hair is super short and purple.
5) I have two drugs of choice: caffeine to make me run and alcohol to make me stop. I rarely imbibe, but when I do, I’d like to thank my liver and kidneys for working overtime. I like me when I’m hyped up on caffeine or mouthy thanks to alcohol.
6) Sometimes, I think my sole goal on social media is to be funny or absurd. Bonus points for obstinate unreasonableness. There are worse things.
7) I never knew I needed to see BTS members re-conceived as toilets until I saw it. TOILETS, FFS. This is why the internet was invented. TOILET!BTS!!!!
I stan this fandom.
8) I find myself flirting with the idea of learning Korean because I consume so much BTS related content and it would be super handy if I could just listen or read without having to wait for English subs. But then, the thought of using my brain to half-ass yet another language exhausts me.
Instead, I have decided to watch content once with English subs and then again with Chinese subs. You know. For literacy.
9) All my favorite songs are either heartbreakingly sad or angry as fuck. This says a lot about me as a person.
10) I really enjoy CAPSLOCK.
12) I often forget just how much useless shit I know about completely trivial matters. And then I remember that TV Tropes exists and I am comforted because there are people who know more about even more banal things and it is beautiful.
13) I wish more people would read my Sagebooks Update posts (especially the ones from August on). I know that most people don’t because they’re not doing Sagebooks. But when I say that it often contains some of my most ridiculous and hilarious writing and that it’s difficult to be entertaining when writing about Chinese curriculum because FFS, IT’S CHINESE CURRICULUM, I am not kidding.
It makes my writerly heart sad when people don’t know what they’re missing. And what they’re missing is that I’m a fucking genius. (Ok, that might be stretching things, but I don’t know that I don’t mean it.)
14) If you don’t stan your own writing, why write?
And again, I’m not saying I think I’m a brilliant writer but I’m not NOT saying it either.
15) Man, I am coming off as an arrogant asshole. I prefer to think of it as swag. Like I need a wheelbarrow in order to walk around. I do not recommend you Google what I’m implying.
16) I would apologize for using the word swag because can you really be swag when you say the word, “swag”? But you know what? I don’t care. I like the word and it means what I want it to mean.
17) I am obsessed with this song, Green Nocturne, by Nell (Korean rock band). You know the songs that hurt so good? THIS IS ONE OF THOSE SONGS. It’s about the transition into becoming an adult and honestly, I didn’t know what the hell this song was about when I first loved it and I still died a thousand deaths as I listened to it. It’s so excellent.
18) Even though I think I’m in a good headspace lately, I cannot explain why I keep crying. Every time I hold or gaze deeply at my children (especially the baby), I choke up and start sobbing. It’s unnerving and makes the baby cry.
19) I really love my hair. But I will admit, I think I was far prettier with shoulder length hair. Mostly because I now feel as if I have a very Jay Leno-esque chin. Ah, well. Fuck pretty.
20) It pains me that it took so many decades to admit to myself that I am a writer at heart and that above all, I love words and words that are wielded well. To think, if I had pursued it earlier, how much better I would be?
Alright, I’m veering into maudlin territory because it’s late and I have Green Nocturne on repeat because I’m a masochist in the best way. If you’ve read all the way to the end, you’re a saint and now, perhaps know more about me than my husband. (Ok, that’s a blatant lie. That’s the best part of my husband – that he knows all this shit about me and still manages to love me. Foolish man. GAH! SEE WHAT SAD MUSIC DOES TO ME?)
Until next time, friends.