This post includes affiliate links. It also includes actual swears despite the title.
Friends, you all know that I love a good screed composed entirely of the swears, but lately, it has occurred to me that so many of the truly excellent swears are gendered and misogynistic. I mean, it’s not a new thought to me. I usually avoid certain swears. (For instance, you may be surprised to hear that I am averse to the word, bitch, but not the word, cunt. I’m a complicated person.)
Also, I would be remiss if I did not mention that this idea first came to me when I was fantasizing about BTS and how if I knew them in real life, I’d likely appall them with all my constant cursing. Then I thought how hilarious it would be if instead of the generic motherfuck fucks that I usually throw out (it’s my favorite string), I spewed totally random nouns and gerunded verbs to create grammatically correct yet vaguely insulting aspersions.
So, taking a page (pun intended) from the most excellent of books (and series), The Lies of Locke Lamora, by Scott Lynch, I have modified his truly brilliant epithets into a formula I can easily follow.
You ready for life change?
(Noun) + (Verb+ing) + (Noun) + (Verb+er)! = How to Curse without Swears
Yes, the exclamation point is required.
Technically speaking, I think it’s actually something grammatically weird like making an adjectified-noun plus gerunded-verb paired with compound noun as an object? I DON’T KNOW.
“Examples!” I hear you collectively demand. OKAY THEN. Examples:
- Grapefruit licking donkey brusher!
- Asteroid waffling sugarcane smelter!
- Laptop sniffing coupon flusher!
- Outlet tickling top swimmer!
The key is finding random nouns and verbs. The beauty is that these are all words, all non-swears, non-gendered, and grammatically correct. Also, the end result is insulting but not really clear on WHY it’s insulting.
It’s so unnecessary.
Bonus points if you add a Noun+Preposition in front.
[(Noun) + (Preposition)] + (Noun) + (Verb+ing) + (Noun) + (Verb+er)! = BONUS POINTS
- You spawn of a sand packing tractor wincer!
- You table with a molecule turning window modge-podger!
- You basket from a sundial rocketing sewer folder!
You can also modify this to just use as a curse in general. All you have to do is shorten it into:
(Noun) + (Verb+er)! = SHORT LAZY VERSION
In fact, you can even remove the “er” part and it will work just fine.
- Cow jingler/Cow jingle
- Comb burgeoner/Comb burgeon
- Hickory molter/Hickory molt
- Alfalfa filer/Alfalfa file
The possibilities are endless.
I think it’s particularly disparaging if you can work in some type of verb involving the mouth:
Yes, friends. This is what wakes the baby at night because I’ve cracked myself up. (I wish I were kidding.)
Now go forth and malign in a vague sort of way. (And screenshot.)