This post includes affiliate links. It also includes actual swears despite the title.

Friends, you all know that I love a good screed composed entirely of the swears, but lately, it has occurred to me that so many of the truly excellent swears are gendered and misogynistic. I mean, it’s not a new thought to me. I usually avoid certain swears. (For instance, you may be surprised to hear that I am averse to the word, bitch, but not the word, cunt. I’m a complicated person.)

Also, I would be remiss if I did not mention that this idea first came to me when I was fantasizing about BTS and how if I knew them in real life, I’d likely appall them with all my constant cursing. Then I thought how hilarious it would be if instead of the generic motherfuck fucks that I usually throw out (it’s my favorite string), I spewed totally random nouns and gerunded verbs to create grammatically correct yet vaguely insulting aspersions.

So, taking a page (pun intended) from the most excellent of books (and series), The Lies of Locke Lamora, by Scott Lynch, I have modified his truly brilliant epithets into a formula I can easily follow.

You ready for life change?

(Noun) + (Verb+ing) + (Noun) + (Verb+er)! = How to Curse without Swears 

Yes, the exclamation point is required.

Technically speaking, I think it’s actually something grammatically weird like making an adjectified-noun plus gerunded-verb paired with compound noun as an object? I DON’T KNOW.

“Examples!” I hear you collectively demand. OKAY THEN. Examples:

  • Grapefruit licking donkey brusher!
  • Asteroid waffling sugarcane smelter!
  • Laptop sniffing coupon flusher!
  • Outlet tickling top swimmer!

The key is finding random nouns and verbs. The beauty is that these are all words, all non-swears, non-gendered, and grammatically correct. Also, the end result is insulting but not really clear on WHY it’s insulting.

It’s so unnecessary.

Bonus points if you add a Noun+Preposition in front.

[(Noun) + (Preposition)] + (Noun) + (Verb+ing) + (Noun) + (Verb+er)! = BONUS POINTS

  • You spawn of a sand packing tractor wincer!
  • You table with a molecule turning window modge-podger!
  • You basket from a sundial rocketing sewer folder!

You can also modify this to just use as a curse in general. All you have to do is shorten it into:

(Noun) + (Verb+er)! = SHORT LAZY VERSION

In fact, you can even remove the “er” part and it will work just fine.

  • Cow jingler/Cow jingle
  • Comb burgeoner/Comb burgeon
  • Hickory molter/Hickory molt
  • Alfalfa filer/Alfalfa file

The possibilities are endless.

I think it’s particularly disparaging if you can work in some type of verb involving the mouth:

  • Licking/Licker
  • Biting/Biter
  • Breathing/Breather
  • Tonguing/Tonguer
  • Drooling/Drooler
  • Spitting/Spitter
  • Coughing/Cougher
  • Chewing/Chewer
  • Masticating/Masticater
  • Yelling/Yeller
  • Crying/Cryer
  • Screaming/Screamer
  • Whispering/Whisperer

Yes, friends. This is what wakes the baby at night because I’ve cracked myself up. (I wish I were kidding.)

Now go forth and malign in a vague sort of way. (And screenshot.)