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How to Curse Without Swearing

 

This post includes affiliate links. It also includes actual swears despite the title.

Friends, you all know that I love a good screed composed entirely of the swears, but lately, it has occurred to me that so many of the truly excellent swears are gendered and misogynistic. I mean, it’s not a new thought to me. I usually avoid certain swears. (For instance, you may be surprised to hear that I am averse to the word, bitch, but not the word, cunt. I’m a complicated person.)

Also, I would be remiss if I did not mention that this idea first came to me when I was fantasizing about BTS and how if I knew them in real life, I’d likely appall them with all my constant cursing. Then I thought how hilarious it would be if instead of the generic motherfuck fucks that I usually throw out (it’s my favorite string), I spewed totally random nouns and gerunded verbs to create grammatically correct yet vaguely insulting aspersions.

So, taking a page (pun intended) from the most excellent of books (and series), The Lies of Locke Lamora, by Scott Lynch, I have modified his truly brilliant epithets into a formula I can easily follow.

You ready for life change?

(Noun) + (Verb+ing) + (Noun) + (Verb+er)! = How to Curse without Swears 

Yes, the exclamation point is required.

Technically speaking, I think it’s actually something grammatically weird like making an adjectified-noun plus gerunded-verb paired with compound noun as an object? I DON’T KNOW.

“Examples!” I hear you collectively demand. OKAY THEN. Examples:

  • Grapefruit licking donkey brusher!
  • Asteroid waffling sugarcane smelter!
  • Laptop sniffing coupon flusher!
  • Outlet tickling top swimmer!

The key is finding random nouns and verbs. The beauty is that these are all words, all non-swears, non-gendered, and grammatically correct. Also, the end result is insulting but not really clear on WHY it’s insulting.

It’s so unnecessary.

Bonus points if you add a Noun+Preposition in front.

[(Noun) + (Preposition)] + (Noun) + (Verb+ing) + (Noun) + (Verb+er)! = BONUS POINTS

  • You spawn of a sand packing tractor wincer!
  • You table with a molecule turning window modge-podger!
  • You basket from a sundial rocketing sewer folder!

You can also modify this to just use as a curse in general. All you have to do is shorten it into:

(Noun) + (Verb+er)! = SHORT LAZY VERSION

In fact, you can even remove the “er” part and it will work just fine.

  • Cow jingler/Cow jingle
  • Comb burgeoner/Comb burgeon
  • Hickory molter/Hickory molt
  • Alfalfa filer/Alfalfa file

The possibilities are endless.

I think it’s particularly disparaging if you can work in some type of verb involving the mouth:

  • Licking/Licker
  • Biting/Biter
  • Breathing/Breather
  • Tonguing/Tonguer
  • Drooling/Drooler
  • Spitting/Spitter
  • Coughing/Cougher
  • Chewing/Chewer
  • Masticating/Masticater
  • Yelling/Yeller
  • Crying/Cryer
  • Screaming/Screamer
  • Whispering/Whisperer

Yes, friends. This is what wakes the baby at night because I’ve cracked myself up. (I wish I were kidding.)

Now go forth and malign in a vague sort of way. (And screenshot.)

Author

Virginia Duan is the entertainment editor for "Mochi Magazine," a freelance writer, and an Asian American author who writes stories full of rage and grief with biting humor and glimpses of grace. She spends most of her days plotting her next book or article, shuttling her children about, participating in more group chats than humanly possible, and daydreaming about BTS a totally normal amount.

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