I am in shock. 

Whenever I actually think and let the truth sink in of a world where Trump is POTUS, I want to cry. 

I think, Is it wrong to pray for a well placed blood clot?

But then we get Pence. 

Pence is a monumental prick who might be more terrifying than Trump. 

Maybe two well placed blood clots, then. 

I honestly thought America was better than this.

I had hoped America was better than this. 

It is fitting that I woke up in the middle of the night from an asthma attack. 

It is fitting that I woke up on November 9, not being able to breathe. Literally. 

This is what the next 4 years will be like. Every breath a fight. A ragged tear in my chest. In the chests of millions of people who are afraid for themselves and the people they love. 

Here’s the thing: I am not so much afraid of Trump. 

I hope that at least some semblance of checks and balances can keep him in line.


I am afraid of America – the America that voted for Trump. 

The America that rejects me and my beautiful children. 

The America that hates Muslims, immigrants, blacks, Latinos, Asians, South Asians, LGBTQ+, atheists, women; the list goes on.

I want to be brave and continue to be a voice that cries out against people like Trump. 

People who foment hate. Who peddle death. Who normalize evil. 

But I am afraid. 

Is my mere act of writing and speaking out putting my babies in danger?

And yet, if I say nothing, does that not jeopardize them even more?

I honestly hoped that somehow Jesus wouldn’t let this happen. But why should America be given such mercy when we live in a world of Aleppo?

And I wonder, is Jesus still good? Is the tragedy of America any different today than it was yesterday? Is the world any less harsh or cruel?

Why, in a universe that has plenty of evidence to sway a person into believing in the absence of God (or at least, a good God), is it that I only question this goodness when my safe little corner of the universe is rendered a little less safe?

Because I am just as selfish and self-absorbed as the people who voted Trump into office. 

Also? All my friends urging for calm and let’s wait and see? That is shockingly easy to say for people who are likely not going to be affected much (in terms of personally targeted due to them being white and heterosexual Christians). 

And of all things, what I can’t stomach is the Asian Christians (mostly Chinese) praising God for Trump winning. I just. I weep. And I am despondent. And furious. #wewillneverbewhiteenough

They are my mothers, my fathers, my aunts, and my uncles. 

I am so ashamed. 

I am afraid. 

I don’t know what to tell Cookie Monster and Gamera – if only because they have no concept of a president, of what that means, and of what might have been. 

I am a terrible parent. 

I am in shock. A fog of disbelief. 

And when that finally wears off, I want to be brave. 

Brave like the multitudes before me. Brave like the multitudes around me. Brave like Shaun King who writes: 

“Dear Muslims, Immigrants, Women, Disabled, LGBTQ folk, and All People of Color, 

“I love you – boldly and proudly. We will endure. We will not break.”

We will not break. 

We will not break. 

We will not break. 

We. Will. Not. Break.